Shine On, You Crazy Congresswoman

We haven’t checked in With Michelle Bachmann recently, and found ourselves wondering if she was still batshit goddamn crazy. Luckily, a copy of one of her recent fundraising letters hit the Internet today – maybe that will give us valuable insight into her current mental state, yes?

You can give the full text a perusal courtesy of the fine folks at The Minnesota Independent, if you’re so inclined. For those of you who can’t donate thirty seconds of your time to utter looniness, here’s the highlight reel:

Will you let Barack Obama KILL conservatism?…blah blah blah…What is happening in Washington right now is BIGGER than FDR’s New Deal or LBJ’s “Great Society”… …and far more dangerous to our freedoms than both combined!…blah blah blah…your help of at least $35 is so urgently needed…Socialized Medicine, government takeover of the private sector, higher taxes…blah blah blah…willing to help set up brothels for underage illegal alien child prostitutes… blah blah…HE WANTS TO ANNIHILATE US!…blah blah blah…rocket train to socialism…blah blah… Ronald Reagan…freedom loving citizens like you…remaking America in his socialist image.

Ahhhhh. In times of great upheaval, as we find ourselves now, it’s good to know that some things never change.

 

Republicans Discover Snow, Finally Dispel Global Warming Myth

Good news, everyone – global warming doesn’t exist, because it is snowing in Washington today! And if climate change were actually occurring, we wouldn’t have snow anymore, right? Right. That’s called Science and it is outlined by Virginia Republicans in this snazzy video! You can tell it is Science because of all the stock footage.

In other news, when night falls on Washington this evening, it will have nothing to do with the natural cycle of day and night. It will be because Barack Obama used socialism to murder the sun, plunging the world into an eternal darkness in which we are all enslaved by orcs. If by some chance the sun does rise again, we can all thank John Boehner, who probably saved us all with a magic sword made of Jesus and Tax Cuts.

This is also Science!

 

This Is What Democracy Looks Like?

Oh noes! It appears that Robert Shelby, the troglodytic Republican Senator from the illiterate, backwater armpit state of Alabama had someone read the Senate’s rules of order to him and found out he could block presidential appointments. What kind of presidential appointments? Why, all of them! And that’s when Shelby imposed a blanket hold on every presidential nomination that has to be approved by the Senate, because that is how you do good politics in Alabama, where the state motto is ‘Hold Your Breath And Stomp Your Feet Like A Child Until You Get your Way, And Also Have Sex With Your Attractive Cousins.”

So far, Shelby has yet to release his list of demands for the release of the blanket hold, though he’s recently been pissing and moaning about not getting a couple of military projects up and running in Alabama as was promised in his charter, including an IED testing facility. Presumably, he also wants a pony, a helicopter with a full fuel tank, a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills and an apology for all the jokes about people from Alabama being illiterate, cousin-fucking subhumans.

He will not get it, the dirty cousin-fucker.

 

Do Whatever A Spider Can

Yes, Please

Scientist at Cornell have created a palm sized device that could one day allow people to stick to and climb walls just as easily as walking

.

Just like Spider-Man, you ask?

Fuck yes, just like Spider-Man, we say.

The device pumps water through tiny, micron wide holes in a metal plate, using the power of surface tension to create adhesion. And eventually, you’ll be able to use a palm sized one to climb buildings, which is sweet. Now if we can get somebody working on making high-tensile web shooters a reality, we can really start striking fear in the hearts of muggers everywhere.

 

Marmot Day – Like Groundhog Day For CHUDs

The Lesser Northwestern Shit Monster, or Marmot

Apparently, back when Sarah Palin was the governor of a debris strewn tundra composed mostly of snow and nightmares and populated by ice trolls and convicts, she declared that they should all have a holiday that didn’t involve the ice trolls raiding a human settlement in search of virgins to sacrifice to their dark god.
And since she is so smart and creative, she decided just to take a holiday that already exists and put an Alaskan spin on it – which is to say, make a shitty, stupid version of it and call it a reflection of independence. So today, instead of Groundhog Day, Alaska will be celebrating Marmot Day. Which is why I will spend the entire day talking about one more thing that Sarah Palin managed to fuck up when she was given any sort of power for like fifteen goddamn minutes.
Not sure what a marmot is? Well, it’s a creature a lot like a groundhog, but it’s flesh is poisonous and it shouts at you fucking constantly, because it is awful. The rules for Marmot Day are thus: If Marky Marmot wakes up and murders the Alaskan infant placed outside it’s den, then the ice trolls will continue their rampage through the only remaining human settlement of Juneau for six more weeks. But if the marmot merely enslaves the child to it’s unclean will, the ice trolls will depart to their frozen catacombs.
Meanwhile, in the states that count, it will continue to be Groundhog Day, and we will celebrate in the traditional fashion – watching Bill Murray movies on Netflix and drinking expensive bourbon right from the bottle. But now we can add a new tradition – making fun of Alaskans on the Internet! From now on, this will be to Groundhog Day what watching Die Hard is to Christmas.

 

Happy Goddamn Day: Scott Roeder To Go Directly To Jail For Murder

Murdering fuck Scott Roeder, who killed Kansas abortion provider Dr. George Tiller last year, has been convicted of murder after just 40 minutes of jury deliberation. Not voluntary manslaughter or any of this picayune bullshit his attorney’s were trying to get him charged on – straight up murder, for which Roeder faces a life sentence, meaning that his one and only stop on the express train to hell should be a nice long layover in prison. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Congratulations to the jury on the case, who apparently did not see gunning down a man inside a church before the eyes of his wife and family as the tricky moral grey area the defense attempted to portray it as. And while it’s great to see Roeder do the time he deserves for his horrific crime, the real importance of the verdict may be the message it sends to anti-abortion extremists. That message: it’s still murder to kill someone even if you really, really don’t like what they’re doing. That’s why we have laws against it, and not against abortion, which is what class? NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL!

 

Enough Already, Twitter!

New from Twitter – the thoughts of your dog! Have you ever wondered what your dog is up to while you’re gone? Don’t you wish you had a live feed detailing the mundane aspects of Rover’s day? Now you can have one, thanks to Mattel’s Puppy Tweets, which updates a Twitter account for your dog.

Sure, it sounds a little silly. But before you write off the idea, just remember – your dogs tweet of “Wishing I could work the remote control and licking my balls. #balls” is at least as worthwhile and socially relevant as anything that ever oozed off the Twitter feed of Joe Lieberman.

 

Discrimination Against White Men Finally Over, Thanks to AABA

Do you love basketball but hate and fear black people and also Canadians? Ever wish you could see a game of hoops with an emphasis on the real fundamentals of the game, like passing and racial segregation? Well, have no fear, bigot America – the All American Basketball League has arrived to save the game from the rampaging Negro hordes! When their season starts in June, you will once again be able to see basketball the way it was meant to be played – by white people, for white people. And not just any white people – American white people, the best kind of white people! “Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like,” says AABA organizer Don Lewis.

For those of you who have not watched much basketball because you are terrified of even seeing black people on your television, fundamentals = all the boring shit.

 

Insert Tail Between Legs

Man, passing health care reform is hard. And we all know that if something is hard, it’s not worth doing, even if you’ve spent pretty much all your political capital and thrown all your credibility behind needing to get it done. Because it’s hard, and things that are hard are terrible!

You know what’s easy though? Quitting! Quitting is super fucking easy – all you have to do is forget that you ever had any reason for doing what you were doing, and then stop doing it the second it gets difficult. Which is exactly why Nancy Pelosi has essentially thrown in the towel on health care reform this morning. If the votes aren’t there this morning, they’re just not going to be there, which means reform just went from being on life support to dead as disco.

Congratulations, Democrats – the time came for a party wide gut check, and you had the chance to show us what you’re really made of. Which, I suppose, is exactly what you did.

 

Well, It Was a Real Nice Campaign Finance Reform Law We Had, Once

Good fucking grief. The Supreme Court this morning came down 5-4 in declaring a key provision of McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform law unconstitutional. The implications of this decision are almost impossible to understate – corporations and unions can now spend as much money as God has at any time during an election cycle to say pretty much anything they please, whether it’s factual or not. This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote the First Amendment!

Check out SCOTUSBlog for  the full opinion, headline roundup, and probably a list of reasons you should just give the hell up and move to Canada already.

In other dumb ass Supreme Court news that will make you want to hurt things but maybe not as much as the first thing, carp may go anywhere they please, because limiting their movement would be like shitting down the throat of freedom.

 

Past Imperfect

Joseph McCarthy - Terrible Human Being

There’s plenty of stuff that liberals in the US will have to deal with tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow – I don’t think I need to mention it right now. Instead, I’ll point out that progressives across the United States now have to worry about the long buried past returning to haunt them. Joseph McCarthy, the closest thing the Senate has ever had to a sitting super villain, is going to be vindicated in the eyes of American history textbooks.

A powerful conservative bloc on the Texas State Board of Education has transformed the requirements for high school history books in Texas, and, by practical extension, throughout the U.S. Among the most galling changes is a clause proposed by board member Don McLeroy requiring that kids be taught that “the later release of the Venona Papers confirmed suspicions of communist infiltration in U.S. government.” We would like to take this moment to congratulate Mr. McLeroy on having apparently read an Anne Coulter book, which is akin to actual reading, inasmuch as smearing your own feces all over a bathroom is akin to creating art.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, the signifigance of the Venona papers has been subject to much debate among historians, but has been latched onto by some of the dumber, meaner, conservatives  of our age as making McCarthy an American hero rather than a monster who ruined hundreds of lives in the bald pursuit of political gain and died in disgrace. Rehabilitating McCarthy on the basis of the Venona papers, which have never proven a single allegation made by McCarthy, is a process not unlike making an America hero of Cotton Mather because one of the dozens of people whose deaths he was responsible for might have known someone who had mentioned the word ‘witch’ at some point.

And as mentioned earlier, this isn’t just bad news for the Lone Star State. To save on printing costs, text book publishers tailor their academic requirements to the two largest markets – Texas and California, which means there’s a 50/50 chance that your kid will get the Patriotic Joe McCarthy version of history, marking the latest American tragedy to come out of the Texas School Book Depository.

So remember, parents – if you don’t talk to your kids about Joseph McCarthy, someone else will.

 

Martha Coakley Would Have Won With Laser Breasts

Do you find yourself desperately trying to look away from the hideous train wreck that is the special election in Massachusetts, but unable to turn your head from the political carnage?

Yeah, us too. Which is exactly why we’re bringing you something to take your mind off the exit polling and voter turnout numbers we’ll be subjected to today and the endless talking head analysis (and perhaps the Coleman-esque legal challenge?) that are certain to dominate the airwaves in the ensuing days.
Just don’t think about all that right now. Think instead about the future, and all the laser nipples it will bring.

Thanks to Gizmodo for this. We now return you to your regularly scheduled pacing and swearing, already in progress.