Not Such A Bad Day At Black Rock

Yesterday was not a good day for the left, but it wasn’t the sort of tanking the media is seemingly choosing to see it as. Democrats lost one very close gubernatorial election and lost another one that was pretty much a toss up in the first place. There’s no reasonable way to portray this as good news, but it’s far from the ‘humiliating’ loss it’s being portrayed as at the moment. These are fundamentally local elections, and while Republicans got a  couple of governors in, the largely Republican backed spending limit measures on the ballot in Maine and Washington went down hard. (For those of you playing along at home, that means Tim Eyman is weeping somewhere, so it can’t be that bad of a day.) 

At a national level, it’s even harder to accept this as a referendum on 10 months of the Obama administration. Dems easily defended a seat in California and, perhaps more tellingly picked up a House seat in New York that’s been held by Republicans for nearly 100 years. That last one is thanks mostly to prominent GOP members boosting an ultra-conservative who promised to take his marching orders from an acknowledged sociopath fundamentally turned off a lot of voters in a traditionally moderate Republican district. The loss of Dave Hoffman in New York and the way Tim Pawlenty is sprinting to the right in preparation for a 2012 presidential run suggests that centrists in the GOP are in trouble –  Charlie Crist, I’m looking at you. And if this keeps up, it’s Republicans, more than Democrats who run the distinct risk of finding themselves largely out of touch with a lot of American independents come mid-term elections next year.

 

Totally NOT A Stripper

Virginia Foxx, despite spelling her name with a double x in the traditional ’stripper or pornographic performer’ style, is actually NOT a stripper. Rather, she is a caricature of the old lady from the ‘Where’s the beef?’ commercials if she went off her meds and decided to spend the recent of her brief, mean time on Earth strangled hippies with her ancient, claw-like hands. She also has the honor of being the craziest, most offensive member of Congress to come out of the Carolinas recently, which is really and truly saying something.

After calling the Matthew Shepard murder a hoax and repeatedly using the phrase “tar baby” on the floor Congress, Foxx recently declared the prospect of health care reform to be a bigger threat to the nation than “any terrorist right now in any country.”

Now, I’m no fear-monger, but I have to take issue with the fact that Virginia Foxx (again, not a porn star, despite what her name would lead you to reasonably assume) certainly appears not to hate or fear terrorism at all. Which is just wrong headed. If there’s one thing the last eight years have taught us, it is that nothing is scarier than terrorism. Nothing, anywhere, ever. The very word “terrorism” is, grammatically speaking, literally two thirds PURE TERROR and one third suffix. Nothing is scarier than that. Not health care reform. Not swine flu. Nothing.

So why doesn’t Virginia Foxx hate terrorism? Does it have something to do with her confusing stripper name? That’s a question only she can answer.

But until she can answer it, I think she should step down and relinquish her seat in Congress to someone who we know hates terrorism. For example, this bear in India’s Kashmir, who killed a pair of militants who were holed up in his cave. That bear fucking HATES terrorism. Hates it so much he mauls terrorists, or even just militant guerilla rebels, which are a lot like terrorists, kind of, to death. So even if he is Indian, and a bear, he is a True American. Not like Virginia “Probably Never Been An Adult Film Star But Totally Spells Her Name Like One” Foxx.

 

The Sporting Life

Not to be confused with the Stanley Cup of Liberty or the Wrestlemania of Emancipation, the Super Bowl of Freedom is coming up. What exactly a bunch of right wing whack jobs from Virginia, their gonads bursting with the gubernatorial victory of a sociopath who views women in the workforce as iron clad proof of Satan’s work here on Earth, descending upon the nation’s capitolgnashing their teeth and shouting “SOCIALISM! SOCIALISM! THERE”S A COLORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE! SOMETHING ABOUT A HEALTH CARE PLAN I DON”T REALLY UNDERSTAND! MY TAXES! SOCIALISM!!!” at every elected official they turn their bloodshot eyes on has to do with the high holiday of professional sports in the US. Then again, if you’re practicing the politics of free association like Michelle Bachmann, you don’t really think about these comparisons before you make them – words just kind of come out of your mouth and then you punctuate them by shouting “Freedom!” Or you just howl, “Fly, my pretties!” and wingnut conservatives start shrieking and throwing feces everywhere, though that is ultimately a short ride from their natural state.

The title does tell us a couple of important things about the tenor of the event, though. It will be heavily hyped but probably not really that entertaining. It will steal the media spotlight for like a week despite actually meaning fuck all in the lives of most Americans. It will be heavily subsidized by corporate interests intent on getting their own message across. And, with perhaps the most potential for entertainment, a key player will be arrested or mysteriously disappear just before everything goes down. Anyone want to take bets on who? And speaking of bets, if it’s the Super Bowl, what’s the spread on a confused old woman striking Alan Grayson repeatedly with her purse?

 

This Is Why Super-Villians Always Keep Their Choppers Fueled

The latest half retarded, genetically inferior clone of Bernie Madoff, known colloquially as a ‘Mini-Madoff,’ has been found in Florida. Unfortunately, before anyone could actually capture him, the diabolical fiend known as Scott Rothstein had retreated to his opulent cloud fortress, miles above international waters. And he got away with $100 million of investors cash, carried away in huge canvas bags marked with dollar signs! The authorities are hot on his trail, except for the fact that his cloud fortress is highly mobile, and thus no one actually has a fucking clue where he is.

The Mini-Madoff In It's True Form

But remember – if you encounter a ‘Mini-Madoff,’ do not try to be a hero by confronting them. The DNA of these horrid creatures is unstable, and they need to consume human flesh to maintain the illusion of their humanity. That is a SCIENTIFIC FACT!
Also, a brief note to everyone everywhere – if you have money in an account managed by a charismatic, well connected man who can magically guarantee you 20% annual returns, then you are being actively scammed right now. Cease your senseless prattling – that is what is happening. Deal with it. You actually have no real money, and all the money you think you have is either Monopoly or Canadian. Go get your money before it’s gone. GO GO GO NOW NOW NOW!  Shit, too late!

 

The Positive Power of Negative Thinking

Up yours, everyone who ever told me “You know, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.” Turns out, my shitty mood is what has made me a smarter, better person.

Australian psychologist Joe Forgas  has published a paper in Australian Science Magazine detailing the upside of feeling down. While grumpy people might be less creative and more of a general pain in the ass to be around, they are also less gullible, more attentive and assess their problems more carefully. Which is probably because they have more problems, because no one likes them, because they are so goddamned pissy all the time.

 

Can We Please Stop Putting Cameras In Front Of Joe Wilson Now?

Hey, everybody, remember when any of us gave a shit about South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson after he yelled at the President? Well now he’s back yelling at the President again, only this times it’s not in the halls of Congress, but the far more appropriate venue of CNSNews, a mouthpiece for conservative ideologues that pretends to also be a news organization.

In an interview with CNSNews, Wilson blamed the Obama administration for a lack of access to the H1N1 flu vaccine, apparently conveniently forgetting that he, like most other Republicans, had voted against funding for the vaccine.

 

ICANN Has Non-Latin Domain Name?

See what happens when we release the governing body of the Internet from iron grip of the United States? Pretty soon you’ve got website domain names popping up in all sorts of languages, and now they’re even going to have different alphabets, because the latin alphabet isn’t good enough for some people, I guess.

As has been speculated for weeks, ICANN officially gave the go-ahead yesterday for the use of non-latin characters in domain names. The approval process will start in just two short weeks, which has sent companies like Coca-Cola and General Electric scrambling to figure out just how you spell their names in Cyrillic, Arabic, Korean and every other language that they’ll have to trademark and buy domain space for. In case anyone was wondering what lawyers get paid for – this is it, right here.

After sending corporate America into a tailspin, this is ultimately good news, bringing the World Wide Web a little closer to earning it’s title. Soon, spam messages written in Cyrillic will direct us back to whole pages written in Cyrillic! Bizarre Korean economics-based MMOS will direct players to their games in Hangul! And the Klingon Language Institute will at long long last be hosted in plqaD.  Buy’ ngop!

 

Joe Lieberman, Prince of Darkness!

Baron von Evil rides again!

Joe Lieberman, also known as the World’s Shittiest Person Ever, will caucus  with the Democrats if he has to, we suppose. But he does not like it, no sir, and he will not be trying to get any of them reelected. He will, as he did in 2008, be doing his level best to get Republicans elected to the Senate and House of Representatives. And if the Democrats keep control of the Senate, as they almost certainly will, then he will be happy to hang out with his buddies the Democrats for two more years – at least until he can try and get a Republican elected President again.

Because he is an evil fuck, in case you were wondering.

 

It’s a Series of Tubes!

Ever since two men took their first steps onto the surface of the moon and one sat in the lunar module, seething and plotting his revenge, one question about the moon has plagued mankind.

Where the fuck are all the moon people?

I mean, we go to all this trouble, spend untold billions of dollars, fly up to the goddamned moon and everything and there’s what? A bunch of rocks and dust and shit but no moon people. What the shit is that all about?

This week, news broke of what appears to be an intact lava tube on the surface of the moon. There’s a chance, albeit a slim one, that this hole, which appears to be about 65 meters deep, could be an entrance to a linked network of tunnels brnaching out beneath the surface of the moon.

Which is, of course, exactly where you would live if you were moon people.

In more terrestrial lava tube news –  live on top of a SUPERVOLCANO! Maybe. Which seems like it should be fun – after all, how can you not enjoy saying SUPERVOLCANO! But as with all volcanoes, one must be realistic about the dangers it poses. After all, it’s all fun and games until your plucky grandmothers legs melt off.

 

If Nick Griffin Was American, He Would Have His Own Call In Show By Now

Today, we cross the Atlantic to a media environment in which putting a bigoted neo-fascist on live television is still a controversial decision, rather than a basic cable news channel. England’s favorite fascist member of the EU parliament, Nick Griffin, the head of the British National Party – which believes that people who are not white are well,not subhuman, but… yeah, well, subhuman is probably a pretty good way to describe it – was on the BBC’s Question Time last night, over the protests of hundreds of people who, for some reason, didn’t want to see this guy made a total asshole of on live TV.

The appearance, it’s fair to say, did not go well for Griffin, who at various points claimed that every unpleasant thing he’d ever said about any minority was a lie, invented from whole cloth by the media, couldn’t seem to wipe the smile from his face when questioned about whether he denied the Holocaust, and spent most of the program being lambasted by angry audience members, which actually makes really great TV, and which you can get a load of below.

This morning, Griffin has his knickers thoroughly in a twist over the show, lashing out at the BBC for letting people ask him mean questions, because after all, racist shit-bags have feelings, too. The BNP leader described the show as “a lynch mob,” and say what you will about him, Griffin knows a lynch mob when he sees one – his good buddy, KKK leader David Duke, gave him a tutorial on them, you see. Griffin also reportedly feels demonized by the audience and the panel he was part of, but really – when you run an political party whose main goals include the deportation of white citizens… you’re pretty much already a demon.

 

Nobody Puts Baby In An Elevator

Hey, you know how David Vitter wants so badly not to talk about the issue of Keith Bardwell, that he will hide for hours on end, clinging to the top of elevators with his suction cupped reptilian fingers and remaining perfectly still if need be?

Bardwell, you’ll recall, is the Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refuses to marry interracial couples on the grounds that their children will have a hard time in life and grow up being discriminated against by legions of bigots like…well, Keith Bardwell, just as a ‘for example.’ Unlike other figures from across the political spectrum in Louisiana, Vitter has been conspicuously silent on the matter.

Until this morning, when Vitter finally released a statement on the matter. Kind of. Sorta. Okay, it’s not really a statement on the situation, and doesn’t mention Bardwell by name, but we’re going to call it a statement on the situation, okay? Okay.

Rather than condemning Bardwell and calling for his resignation as pinko lefties in Louisiana like Gov. Bobby Jindal have done, Vitter released a statement reiterating his belief that “judges should follow the law.” After deftly avoiding taking any stance on the still controversial matter of interracial marriage and assuring his constituents that he knows how to use a truism in a statement as well as anybody, Vitter’s statement goes on to piss and moan about journalists asking him questions about the situation at all, especially ones like Mike Stark, who chased Vitter into an elevator, or “Senate Escape Pod” yesterday and made him look like a total pussy of the highest order in front of the entire Internet.

Speaking of which – let’s see that again!

 

In Which Breaking News Is Made

Alright, everybody. Some pretty bad news hit today, and I…I don’t really know how to break it to you. So I’m just going to say it…

There is an outside chance that maybe, perhaps, Silvio Berlusconi might be a bit sexist.

Berlusconi has come under fire this week for insulting a female politician on a late night talk show where he sniped that 58 year old Rosy Bindi was “more beautiful than intelligent.”

This disappointing news comes as a shock to the Italian prime minister’s legions of admirers who have until now held Berlusconi up as a pillar of moral rectitude and a champion of respectful attitudes towards the fairer sex. We will seek comfort tonight by perusing the entire Wikipedia page devoted to trials involving Berlusconi – none of which have ever resulted in a conviction.

Justice, thy name is “an almost unimaginably corrupt, broken and rigged Italian judicial system.”