This week has seen significantly more winners than losers. But does that make it a good week? I’ll let you be the judge of that. Submitted for your approval, this week’s winners and losers, starting, as is becoming habitual, with the winners.

American Comedy – On the frozen tundra of Minnesota, former SNL scribe Al Franken continues to close the narrow gap between himself and incumbent Norm Coleman in the North Star States hotly contested senatorial race. The state mandated recount is drawing plenty of fire from both sides of the aisle, and this one will likely go right down to the wire. But really, whether or not Franken will make a good Senator is not the reason to root for him here. Rather, as a friend of mine pointed out, anything that keeps Al busy with something that’s not writing comedy is, by default, a good thing for the world at the end of the day. So hold a good thought that every one’s favorite nasally voiced progressive pulls this one out.


Disfigured Dudes – As many of us suspected, Evel Knievel was right all along – studies at the University of Liverpool demonstrate that women looking for flings find facial scarring attractive in men. Why? Because it demonstrates high levels of testosterone, a hormone long associated with a subject’s overall dudeliness. And since we already know that bones heal and pain is fleeting, can an in depth study of whether glory is, in fact, forever, be far behind? Not in a world of responsible science, it can’t.

Transplant Patients – Claudia Castillo Sanchez has a new lease on life thanks to a first of it’s kind windpipe transplant. What’s so special about this particular fleshy tube? Well, if the transplant had been done conventionally, Sanchez’s body would likely have rejected the organ. But after Spanish doctors bathed the trachea in stem cells obtained from Sanchez’s own cartilage, the 30 year old tuberculosis victim’s body had the desired reaction; it mistook the donor trachea for Sanchez’s own, and welcomed it to a happy home without complication to thanks to the staggering knuckle-draggers at budget airline Easy Jet. So let’s hear three cheers for a possible end to those incredibly fucking scary trachea ring microphones, everyone!

Stoners – While gingko biloba may not ward off the effects of Alzheimer’s, a University of Ohio study suggests that another herb known to work wonders on the human psyche may have one more use. Indeed, far from bringing on bouts of reefer madness, marijuana, like crossword puzzles, may fight the effects of memory loss and even promote the production of new brain cells. Take that, every after school special and guidance counselor ever!


Pygmy Tarsiers – If people thought that you were extinct, and it turned out… not so much? You get counted as a winner. Congratulations to the pygmy tarsier, which has suction cup fingers, can swivel it’s head 180 degrees, looks like a living stuffed animal, and has not vanished from the face of the earth after all. Good on, little guys!

And now, for this week’s loser:

The Entire Fucking Human Race – The end is nigh! Repent all ye sinners, for the time of judgment is at hand! I know sometimes it seems like everything is out to get us, but right now, it really, really seems like everything is out to get us. First of all, remember those robots in the Terminator flicks? Well, if IBM has it’s way, computers that mimic human brain patterns, but, naturally, in an enhanced manner will be pulling the puppet strings of our pitiful, fleshy society sooner rather than later. Meanwhile, Antarctica continues to threaten the safety of the planet by the mere fact of it’s existence. Evidence of dark matter has been found by a helium balloon floating above Antarctica. While this may be evidence of cosmic beams, dark matter, or something else entirely, one thing is for sure – something (we don’t know what) that’s fairly close to the Earth is emitting particles that we’ve never seen before. While this isn’t necessarily dangerous in itself, taken in conjunction with this ill-advised trek to Antarctica’s ice encrusted, unexplored mountain range, this is almost certainly evidence of a coming cosmic disaster of mind-bending, flesh rending proportions. And if we can somehow defeat legions of rubbery, betentacled star spawn and mad super-computers bent on world domination, we’re all probably still doomed. That’s because, a few Birkenstock clad trust-funders aside, we all eat food that’s covered in pesticides. A new report issued by the University of Pittsburgh warns that some common pesticides may be reasonably safe on their own, but may pose a threat to human health when even they are combined, even at low levels. So, from now on, if you can help it, it would probably be safer for you to not eat anything from anywhere, use an electronic device, or be on the same planet as Antarctica. Cheers!

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