As the Large Hadron Collider languishes in disrepair, it appears that it’s most important task, the function for which it was conceived and the impetus behind constructing it, at great cost and effort, the one mission that only it could accomplish…. well, maybe not so much.

Researchers at the Tevatron particle accelerator just outside of Chicago are speculating that they may have hints of the Higgs Boson, or God Particle, which has been theorized as instrumental in providing matter with mass, by as soon as this summer.

Now this may just be so much sabre-rattling and particle physics dick waving on the part of Fermilab researchers, who have by all accounts been burning the midnight oil trying to re-establish their relevance in a world where even lay people are drooling over a machine that knocks stuff together so hard it causes black holes. Or they may really be on to something, which could leave the LHC feeling like the Ken Griffey Jr. of particle accelerators – a vaunted prospect, too frequently sidelined by minor dings and nagging injuries to ever measure up to it’s potential.

Hey, maybe that means the LHC will come play for the Mariners, too! I mean, just imagine the sort of speed a particle accelerator would get on a fastball. And movement through a variety of dimensions. This kid could be the next Sidd Finch!