The best and worst news of the week makes it’s return. Without further ado, this week’s winners!

Eco-Conscious Motorists – From the desk of Every Little Bit Helps, this week saw a modest rise in U.S. fuel efficiency standards. It’s a small step towards halting potentially catastrophic global climate change, but hey – it’s a step, right?

Of course the big news in the greening of automotive technology came out of L.A. yesterday when automaker Tesla unveiled their Model S Sedan, a frankly beautiful roadster that promises to become the first commercially viable, all electric family automobile – when it starts rolling off production lines in earnest in 2011, that is. Check out video at SciAm here.

Bus and Train Riders – Of course, if you’re more concerned with your own health than that of the planet, your still better off not driving. That’s according to a new study by researchers at the University of British Columbia, who found that people who regularly use public transportation are three times as likely to meet minimum physical activity guidelines as those who don’t. Of course, you’re also four times as likely to have to sit next to a guy who smells like Ripple and claims to be the messiah, so you could maybe call that a wash.

This Thai KidIf you get trapped on a ledge, and Spiderman comes to save you, you’re a winner. End of story. 

If, on the other hand, you’re trespassing in Komodo National Park, fall out of a tree, and get mauled to death by komodo dragons…well, my deepest sympathies and all, but you’re inaugurating our losers category this week.

But you’re in good company this week. For instance,

Lobsters and Crabs – For as long as anyone can remember, the story on boiling crabs and lobsters alive has been “Don’t worry, they can’t feel pain, so it’s okay!” Turns out…not so much.  According to a study performed by Queen’s University, hermit crabs not only feel pain, but remember and try to avoid it, rendering the bugs of the sea more intelligent and sensitive than anyone really gave them credit for. Sadly, this new understanding of pain in crustaceans will probably not render the creatures any less delicious.

Huge Dudes – Retired NFL players have always had to deal with a plethora of health problems, but to the legions of creaking knees and aching backs, you can add sleep apnea, which is growing more prevalent among retired NFL players. It seems that linemen, those crushing walls of human flesh that can sometimes move so gracefully, are particularly susceptible to the ailment,which has been tied to obesity and heart disease, and has already been implicated in the death of one great NFL lineman.

House Republicans – There’s nothing sadder than a loser who doesn’t know it. Such is the case with House Republicans, who somehow under the impression that they still get to set policy, unveiled their budget alternative, The Republican Road to Recovery, on Thursday to a resounding chorus of barely muffled snickers. The budget plan, which at a grand total of 19 pages is so light on details that it must be tethered to the ground to keep from floating away, was roundly ridiculed by Democratic lawmakers and the media, and let’s be frank – rightly so. My personal favorite of the documents many bubble charts is at the bottom of page 10, demonstrating how the phrase “Help small businesses keep America Employed” can turn a homeless vagrant into a construction worker – just like magic! 

And cherry on top – new details of the GOP budget – things like, you know a plan, or some hard numbers, will be released…wait for it…wait for it… next Wednesday. April 1st. That’s right, April Fools Day. I swear to God, these guys just know how to take all the fun out of mocking them.