Look, I know that the global economy is tough, and when things get this hairy, some people are naturally going to turn to crime. But seriously, who the hell steals a truckload of curling stones? Is there a big market for smooth granite rocks of a regulation weight out there that I don’t know about?

Honestly, I kind of hope there is, because otherwise whoever stole fully one third of the Australian national teams curling stone is just a jerk and an idiot. Or a… rabid anti-curling fanatic? An embittered former sweeper?

But as stupid and spiteful the dumbest criminal in Australia this week – that dubious honor goes to Ronald Mitchell, the Nobel Prize hopeful who soaked himself in gasoline before charging at police, who proceeded to taser the suspect, thereby setting him ablaze. Which, all things considered, isn’t exactly a tragedy. I mean yeah, it sucks that the guy burst into flames, but in all of our lives, we make some choices that we know may get us set on fire. Huffing a bunch of gas, then pouring it over yourself, and then running at a cop with a lighter in your hand is one of those choices. C’est la vie.

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