Hey, guys, you know that German kid who went after a bunch of his classmates with an ax and knives and molotov fucking cocktails?

Turns out, no one could have seen this coming, because he did not play a lot of video games! I mean, an incident of school violence initiated by someone who doesn’t play video games? Who has ever heard of that? Is it even allowed?

Jacob Breitzke,a tenth grader who will now and forever remember that his fifteen minutes of fame came from not being hit with an ax, expressed the amazement of the student body, noting that the suspect, who is in critical condition after being shot by police, “was not a typical killer-[video-] games player. … No one would have expected that he would go after people or plan an attack like this.”

Because I mean, yeah, if he had played video games, everybody would have just been waiting for him to go the fuck off and kill a bunch of people with an ax. But he totally didn’t, you guys! He must have, I don’t know, had mental problems or other issues that made him attack people with an ax. And oh, yeah, did I mention the MOLOTOV FUCKING COCKTAILS!?

Seriously, Germany, trying to find a link between school violence and video games is so 1998. In the future, please be a little more creative in your attempts to blame terrible acts of violence on societal bogeymen and ridiculous scapegoats. I mean, you must have rock music in Germany, right? Maybe he did it because of rock music. That’s always a good one.

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