This Friday, the scientists at NASA will make humanity’s oldest dream a reality. At 4:30 AM on October 9, America will blow up the moon.

Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are Controlling My Tides, Moon. Youre Not Even A Planet. You Make Me Sick.

Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are Controlling My Tides, Moon? You Aren't Even A Fucking Planet. You Make Me Sick.

The LCROSS mission will launch an empty fuel container at the moon at about twice the speed of a bullet, raising a cloud of dust and particulate matter miles above it’s surface, ostensibly providing insight into the unexplained presence of ice on the moon and helping researchers discern if liquid water ever existed there.

Of course, this ridiculous story is just a cover for the real LCROSS mission – to find a chink in the moon’s unbreakable dusty armor, so that we may once and finally rid ourselves of that hateful orbiting chunk of rock, staring down on us in judgment like the hollow eye of an inscrutable god. This has been the goal of all human space exploration since the first manned mission to the moon. Despite their acquisition of a staggering number of moon rocks, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and some other dude made almost no headway in learning the secret weakness of the moon. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this failure that has left members of the mission depressed, angry, unbalanced and violent upon their return to Earth. And well it should – if anyone’s staggering scientific failure deserves to render them broken shadows of men, it’s this bunch of losers.

The Moon Landing - Americas Most Crippling Defeat.

The Moon Landing - America's Most Crippling Defeat.

On Friday, NASA has it’s chance at redemption, and an empty fuel container may finally succeed where legions of men have failed – in revealing how we can finally end the tyrannical reign of our most hated lunar nemesis. But just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a small army of nerds with expensive telescopes to vaporize our only natural terrestrial satellite. Which is why NASA is asking amateur astronomers to keep their eyes trained on the impact site, ensuring that no detail is missed. So if you have an expensive telescope and no social life, which, let’s face it, are not exactly mutually exclusive, please do your civic duty – stay up until 4:30 Friday morning and help us learn how to finally kill the moon.

Meanwhile, those of us who don’t have access to thousands of dollars worth of optical equipment but still want to swell with pride when our mighty nation bitchslaps the moon can do what right thinking, patriotic Americans have been doing to feel a sense of civic engagement for years – whip up some nachos, crack a High Life and watch it on TV.

And of course, those of you who are already champing at the bit for the United States to HURRY THE FUCK UP AND DESTROY THE MOON ALREADY!!! – well you just take it easy there partner. Cool your jets and check out the simulation below, courtesy of the late, great Mr. Show.