The Bible is great and all, but let’s face it the book has some problems. For example, it’s nowhere near hostile enough to women or gays.

The Conservative Bible Project aims to fix that, by  demonstrating the truly staggering balls required to remove and rewrite passages of the BIBLE that the groups editors deem too liberal. For example, the Gospel of Luke’s “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do,” has to go, because liberals love that line, so God must not. Also marked for speedy deletion by the folks at Conservapedia, who are spearheading the editorial effort, is the word “comrade,” which everyone knows is a socialist slur that “improperly encourages the social justice movement among Christians.” And since Christ will have an M-16 to which he is legally entitled now, you can expect the stations of the cross to play out…a little bit differently?

The tenets of this latest effort to put a new spin on the word of God, which editors are of course referring to as simply returning the Bible to it’s natural, woman hating, gay bashing, self go beyond simple language choices, ensuring that the new Bible do things like “explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.” Which is great, because we’ll finally learn exactly how Pilate invested those 40 pieces of silver.

Oh, yeah, and all that shit about forgiveness and peace and love and acceptance and stewardship of your fellow man?

Yeah, that’s all right out, hippy.