The latest half retarded, genetically inferior clone of Bernie Madoff, known colloquially as a ‘Mini-Madoff,’ has been found in Florida. Unfortunately, before anyone could actually capture him, the diabolical fiend known as Scott Rothstein had retreated to his opulent cloud fortress, miles above international waters. And he got away with $100 million of investors cash, carried away in huge canvas bags marked with dollar signs! The authorities are hot on his trail, except for the fact that his cloud fortress is highly mobile, and thus no one actually has a fucking clue where he is.
But remember – if you encounter a ‘Mini-Madoff,’ do not try to be a hero by confronting them. The DNA of these horrid creatures is unstable, and they need to consume human flesh to maintain the illusion of their humanity. That is a SCIENTIFIC FACT!
Also, a brief note to everyone everywhere – if you have money in an account managed by a charismatic, well connected man who can magically guarantee you 20% annual returns, then you are being actively scammed right now. Cease your senseless prattling – that is what is happening. Deal with it. You actually have no real money, and all the money you think you have is either Monopoly or Canadian. Go get your money before it’s gone. GO GO GO NOW NOW NOW! Shit, too late!