Attention, 7-Eleven. Your movie tie-in promotions are officially out of control.

I understand when you use beloved properties from my childhood to peddle your greasy wares, and for the most part, I don’t take any offense. This is just business, after all, and properties like Transformers and G.I. Joe wouldn’t exist if not for the need of certain segments of our society to sell poorly constructed plastic action figures to certain other segments of our society in an effort to keep the wheels of commerce turning contentedly. That in mind, it seems like a disingenuous splitting of hairs at best to complain about Optimus Prime selling Slurpees.

But there is a fucking limit, people, and it shall here to fore be known as the Sherlock Holmes Line.

If you are going to have Sherlock Holmes hock a product for you, said product must live up to a certain standard of, for lack of a better word, coolness. If you want to use Sherlock Holmes to sell pipes, say, or deerstalker hats, then by all means, go for it. If you want to push cocaine in little baggies emblazoned with the image of the greatest detective in the history of fiction, then you are an awesome genius.

But in the interest of maintaining the integrity of the character for respectable enterprises like haberdashery and cocaine sales, some rules must be set, and I am hereby setting down the first one.

Sherlock Holmes DOES NOT shill fucking taquitos.

This is not an issue for negotiation or a matter of opinion. It is a fact, and I will state it again in the interest of making crystal clear this unequivocal point.

Sherlock Holmes DOES NOT shill fucking taquitos.

End of goddamn story. There will be a test on this material later.