Just how shitty is the economy right now? Consumer spending is so deep in the toilet that nobody even got trampled to death at a Wal-Mart this year. Anywhere.

Further proof that we are just a beaten people, unable to strain like salivating animals against security glass, our turkey clogged hearts pounding at the thrill of deals on flat-screen TVs? Or just that major retail chains are devoted to the continuing stagnation of the american financial system, going so far as to sabotage the entire holiday shopping season with lackluster deals that drive exactly ZERO shoppers mad with the promise of savings?

Anyway, congratulations, Christmas shoppers, on not crushing one of your own beneath your avaricious, thundering hooves this year. And by extension, hating America.

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