At one point or another, we have all asked ourselves the burning question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time.

Why the fuck are babies so useless?

Babies never did anything good for anybody. They are tiny and weak and pitiful. They need constant care which they will spend the next ’18 years to a lifetime’ resenting you. And they shit all over themselves and everything they can reach, which thankfully is almost nothing because their little baby arms are tiny and useless.

The point is, nobody likes babies because everything about them is awful. But someone is finally doing some serious scientific research into the matter of ‘Why Babies Can’t Walk Any Place On Their Own and Are Dumb.’ While even the babies of horses, which are only about as smart as people from Tennessee, can walk within minutes of their birth, the average dumbass human baby can take years to walk around without teetering and swaying like a Kennedy everyplace they go.

Conventional reasoning leads us to believe that babies do not walk sooner simply because we coddle them, and that if we returned to a state of nature in which children were required to fend for themselves, babies would be running, leaping and hunting wild game with their bare teeth.

But according to this recent study from Sweden’s Lund University, it is because their brains just develop more slowly, and our spawn actually develop locomotion abuot the same time as other baby mammals, and are apparently no dumber than babies universally are. Which is really, really dumb.

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