The Lesser Northwestern Shit Monster, or Marmot

Apparently, back when Sarah Palin was the governor of a debris strewn tundra composed mostly of snow and nightmares and populated by ice trolls and convicts, she declared that they should all have a holiday that didn’t involve the ice trolls raiding a human settlement in search of virgins to sacrifice to their dark god.
And since she is so smart and creative, she decided just to take a holiday that already exists and put an Alaskan spin on it – which is to say, make a shitty, stupid version of it and call it a reflection of independence. So today, instead of Groundhog Day, Alaska will be celebrating Marmot Day. Which is why I will spend the entire day talking about one more thing that Sarah Palin managed to fuck up when she was given any sort of power for like fifteen goddamn minutes.
Not sure what a marmot is? Well, it’s a creature a lot like a groundhog, but it’s flesh is poisonous and it shouts at you fucking constantly, because it is awful. The rules for Marmot Day are thus: If Marky Marmot wakes up and murders the Alaskan infant placed outside it’s den, then the ice trolls will continue their rampage through the only remaining human settlement of Juneau for six more weeks. But if the marmot merely enslaves the child to it’s unclean will, the ice trolls will depart to their frozen catacombs.
Meanwhile, in the states that count, it will continue to be Groundhog Day, and we will celebrate in the traditional fashion – watching Bill Murray movies on Netflix and drinking expensive bourbon right from the bottle. But now we can add a new tradition – making fun of Alaskans on the Internet! From now on, this will be to Groundhog Day what watching Die Hard is to Christmas.

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