I have always taken pride in the fact that I will make a great crotchety old man one day, but I didn’t think that day would come so fast. And yet, here we are – Kids these days! Bunch of troublemakers and no-goodniks, they are, with their Lady Gaga and their cyber-bullying. But perhaps the most troubling reason that children today are awful and wrong about everything is the terrible choice they are collectively making when they get high.

According to a recent survey, inhalants have supplanted marijuana as the drug of choice for America’s young drug addicts. That’s right – huffing, the eminently safe and classy practice of putting gasoline, glue, or similarly dangerous substances in a paper bag and then hyperventilating into it like a mad man is a more popular method of getting high among twelve year olds today than good old marijuana. Inhalants have become so popular, in fact, that their trumps pot, cocaine and hallucinogens combined among American middle schoolers, demonstrating just how deficient modern twelve-year-olds are in not only common sense , but also good taste and imagination.

And while yours truly is anything but anti-drug, I am a rank sentimentalist. I cling strongly to the belief that twelve should be a care-free and magical age, marked by smoking dry grass out of crushed pop cans and drinking malt liquor bought for you by homeless guys. Huffing, meanwhile, should really wait until all your young dreams have been shattered beneath the crushing weight of reality and the sick, giddy thrill of murdering your brain cells out of spite is all you have left – call it freshman year or so. If anyone out there knows a twelve year old, please have this talk with them right now. It is your duty as a patriot.