Fun Fact - Between Them, These Two Guys Have Never Said One Interesting Thing. Ever.

About 5,000 members of the worldwide dating portal/clubhouse for desperately lonely elitists have been banned from the site for getting too fat over the holidays.

The site, which is so elite that it cannot currently be viewed by the rest of us CHUDs, for fear that our grotesquely scarred visages will interact with the background radiation produced by the Internet might render the Alphas  less attractive, provides a site for the world’s most beautiful people who can’t get a date in real life to meet, mingle, and talk about how hard it is being pretty. It’s membership, which is strictly policed by members who are prettier than you and know it, informed a number of members who had been determined to be hitting the Christmas ham a little too hard that they would need to re-apply.

Once the process played out, over 5,000 members were banned from the site, determined by a jury of their gorgeous, vapid, dead-eyed peers to have grown too hefty to be termed beautiful.

Site Founder Robert Hintze defended the decision to expel the users in a statement reading, in part:

“Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which was founded.”

That concept, remember, is providing a social space online for people who are very attractive but still can’t manage to get a date on Saturday night, because they are too vain, or too stupid, or simply because they  are nightmarish human beings who have the toxic souls of monsters, and maintain their good looks via dark magic.

So congratulations are in order, – you have officially alienated some of the few human beings on the planet who were desperate enough to interact with you, rather than just enjoy looking at you and then talk about what a piece of shit you are every time you leave the room. Happy New Year, fuckers.

Prepare for in-depth commentary as we take you through the many twists and turns of the biggest non-news story of the year, the 2009 UN Copenhagen Climate Conference.

For two weeks, a staggering variety of pundits, scientists, journalists and policy wonks predicted that, despite the growing urgency of the situation, chances were that no meaningful change would come out of the summit.

Then, leaders, political leaders, activists and endless legions of lawyers descended upon Denmark at the expense of taxpayers worldwide and talked for twelve days days, producing a toothless, non-binding document that represents no meaningful change.

Then, for several nights afterward, every news outlet in the country weighed in on just how meaningless the Copenhagen Accord is, what made it so meaningless and, in a triumph of existentialism in mass media, what the meaninglessness of the document means.

Then everybody realized they still had Christmas shopping to do and decided to forget about climate change for the next few years, because surely, someone will have done something about it by then, right?

Rasmussen Reports is officially out of control. Today’s report on the holiday season shows that 66% of Americans celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, which is a total load of shit if we ever heard one. A more accurate statistic would probably be that “About 50% of Americans will lie to a stranger over the phone about their religiosity.” But Rasmussen is intent on getting the Christ back into Christmas, even if it means counting listening to Linus read from the book of Luke as a religious observance on par with midnight mass.

The report is full of other interesting tidbits, including the shocking fact that 52% of Americans find the holiday season “joyous,” meaning that only 48% of people want to scoop their eyes out with tablespoons. Also, 72% of Americans despise the phrase “Happy Holidays” and, by extension people who do not believe in our Lord God and are going to Hell.

But perhaps most intriguing is this nugget – among people who are celebrating Christmas,  81% believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God sent to earth to die for our sins and 72% say Jesus was born to a virgin. Which means that fully 9% of you folks can buy the whole son of God, magical absolution of sin thing, but can’t quite extend that suspension of disbelief to a virgin birth.

You bunch of godless heathens.

Here is an Interesting Fact for you: When Bill O’Reilly asked L0u Dobbs with no sense of irony at all “Is Barack Obama the Devil?” last night, it was not the worst thing said by a proto-human on Fox News last night!

That honor goes to the cretinous, malformed troglodyte known as Glenn Beck,  for comparing health care reform to child rape, because what a ha-ha funny joke that is, right?

Wow, the American public is just like that girl that Roman Polanski raped. I guess I never saw it that way because I am not a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER. But yeah, I guess if I was Glenn Beck, and was thus WORSE THAN A BILLION SERIAL KILLERS, then yeah, I would think that rape jokes are hilarious.

Cross-dressing abortion waffler Rudy Giuliani thinks Sarah Palin is the bee’s knees! Really! “She’s great for the GOP,” America’s mayor told CNN on Sunday.

I wonder if that opinion could have anything to do with the fact that Alaska’s looniest ideologue ex- governor will probably be battling with Rudy for the 2012 ‘End of the World’ presidential nomination, and could make Giuliani look like an advanced cyborg sent back from the future for the sole purpose of gathering moderate and right leaning independent votes?

Sounds good for the GOP to me.

Mark Impomeni over at Red State doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo, re: World War II is over. Apparently laboring under the notion  that we are still at war with Japan, Impomeni will not brook the leader of our proud nation making a gesture of respect to the leader of a foreign nation with whom we were once at war, unless it is by giving them the uncomfortablest back rub ever.

Then again, Impomeni writes at Red State – if the President had visited Japan for the express purpose dropping a nuclear bomb on something, Impemoni would have still found a way to call it unpatriotic. And just wait until the Obama visits China, where people sell t-shirts of the President in hats worn by history’s most famous communist. Allow me to channel Impomeni from about one day from now:

Blarrg! Socialism, socialism, the t-shirt proves it! And also, why are we not killing more asians, which is the only right and proper thing for America to do? Blargh!

Today, we cross the Atlantic to a media environment in which putting a bigoted neo-fascist on live television is still a controversial decision, rather than a basic cable news channel. England’s favorite fascist member of the EU parliament, Nick Griffin, the head of the British National Party – which believes that people who are not white are well,not subhuman, but… yeah, well, subhuman is probably a pretty good way to describe it – was on the BBC’s Question Time last night, over the protests of hundreds of people who, for some reason, didn’t want to see this guy made a total asshole of on live TV.

The appearance, it’s fair to say, did not go well for Griffin, who at various points claimed that every unpleasant thing he’d ever said about any minority was a lie, invented from whole cloth by the media, couldn’t seem to wipe the smile from his face when questioned about whether he denied the Holocaust, and spent most of the program being lambasted by angry audience members, which actually makes really great TV, and which you can get a load of below.

This morning, Griffin has his knickers thoroughly in a twist over the show, lashing out at the BBC for letting people ask him mean questions, because after all, racist shit-bags have feelings, too. The BNP leader described the show as “a lynch mob,” and say what you will about him, Griffin knows a lynch mob when he sees one – his good buddy, KKK leader David Duke, gave him a tutorial on them, you see. Griffin also reportedly feels demonized by the audience and the panel he was part of, but really – when you run an political party whose main goals include the deportation of white citizens… you’re pretty much already a demon.

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