Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!  WHOA!

I like John Krasinski as much as the next guy. He’s a nice enough seeming fella, and a fairly talented performer.

He is not, however, Captain America. I repeat, he is NOT Captain America.

And yet, it looks like he will probably be playing Captain America. This is a national tragedy dwarfed only by the more recent news that we will not get to spend the next few months laughing at what a total fucking asshole Harold Ford, Jr. is. I mean, I guess we can, technically, but it will always be out of context and seem kind of weird.

Guys, there are only twenty three months left before the New Hampshire primaries. Shouldn’t we all be running for President of the World by now? Tim Pawlenty just realized this and is packing his bags as we speak. He’ll be speaking at the Manchester Republican Committee’s Lincoln-Reagan Day Dinner, which is apparently some sort of holiday if you live in New Hampshire and are a rich white dude. After his speaking engagement, Pawlenty will presumably make out with pretty much every Republican voter in the state.

For Votes!

Oh noes! It appears that Robert Shelby, the troglodytic Republican Senator from the illiterate, backwater armpit state of Alabama had someone read the Senate’s rules of order to him and found out he could block presidential appointments. What kind of presidential appointments? Why, all of them! And that’s when Shelby imposed a blanket hold on every presidential nomination that has to be approved by the Senate, because that is how you do good politics in Alabama, where the state motto is ‘Hold Your Breath And Stomp Your Feet Like A Child Until You Get your Way, And Also Have Sex With Your Attractive Cousins.”

So far, Shelby has yet to release his list of demands for the release of the blanket hold, though he’s recently been pissing and moaning about not getting a couple of military projects up and running in Alabama as was promised in his charter, including an IED testing facility. Presumably, he also wants a pony, a helicopter with a full fuel tank, a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills and an apology for all the jokes about people from Alabama being illiterate, cousin-fucking subhumans.

He will not get it, the dirty cousin-fucker.

Good fucking grief. The Supreme Court this morning came down 5-4 in declaring a key provision of McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform law unconstitutional. The implications of this decision are almost impossible to understate – corporations and unions can now spend as much money as God has at any time during an election cycle to say pretty much anything they please, whether it’s factual or not. This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote the First Amendment!

Check out SCOTUSBlog for  the full opinion, headline roundup, and probably a list of reasons you should just give the hell up and move to Canada already.

In other dumb ass Supreme Court news that will make you want to hurt things but maybe not as much as the first thing, carp may go anywhere they please, because limiting their movement would be like shitting down the throat of freedom.

I’m not usually one for procedural porn, but this is just too goddamn good to pass up. Al Franken, presiding over the Senate, informs Joe Lieberman that no, he may not have more time to finish his speech. This is… profound brilliance and justice on the floor of the Senate, courtesy of TPM.

Watch it, and then watch it again. Drink it in. Then giggle a little bit when Lieberman assures Franken he doesn’t take it personally. Actually, Joe, this one you might want to. You may be too important to the caucus to get the string of Senatorial pink bellies and swirlies you so richly deserve, but you have not behaved in a way that is going to make you many friends. Then keep giggling when John McCain, proceeds to literally wag his finger scornfully at the entire august legislative body and just barely avoid a rudeness induced aneurysm.

Oooh, let’s watch it again, shall we?

Jesus shit, The John Birch Society? Are they still, like, a thing? Seriously?

Apparently so. Someone turned over a rock and these troglodytes crawled out to sponsor the Conservative Political Action Conference. The group that was synonymous with “lunatic fringe, human hating, probably dangerous right-wing nutjobs” before the Tea Party movement sprung up is back, and they still do not much care for your socially liberal policies or basic human decency. Also, the Jews they can take or leave.

What will it take to send these morlocks back to their dimly lit underworld where they dine on poisonous fungus and immigrants are murdered and messily devoured by ravening packs of right-wing sub-humans? No one knows, though it does seem like good old fire would be a reasonable place to start.

Speaking of terrible things named John that you haven’t heard of in decades – John Stamos still exists. There is no reason you should know this, or would know it,except that Stamos is apparently making with the sexy hijinks. The people he made sexy hijinks with, though, want some money out of him, and are threatening to tell the whole world that John Stamos… is still alive, I guess?

Guys, scientists are like for serious this close to discovering the origin of cosmic rays, which are from space and almost certainly murdering you right now in ways you cannot imagine in your most vivid nightmares.

This is good news for Lou Dobbs! Since he wants to be a Senator  and thus longer despises Mexicans – have you not heard? – he will now have something new and even scarier than Mexicans to advocate building a retarded, useless-ass fence against.

To defend America.

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