Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!  WHOA!

I like John Krasinski as much as the next guy. He’s a nice enough seeming fella, and a fairly talented performer.

He is not, however, Captain America. I repeat, he is NOT Captain America.

And yet, it looks like he will probably be playing Captain America. This is a national tragedy dwarfed only by the more recent news that we will not get to spend the next few months laughing at what a total fucking asshole Harold Ford, Jr. is. I mean, I guess we can, technically, but it will always be out of context and seem kind of weird.

Guys, there are only twenty three months left before the New Hampshire primaries. Shouldn’t we all be running for President of the World by now? Tim Pawlenty just realized this and is packing his bags as we speak. He’ll be speaking at the Manchester Republican Committee’s Lincoln-Reagan Day Dinner, which is apparently some sort of holiday if you live in New Hampshire and are a rich white dude. After his speaking engagement, Pawlenty will presumably make out with pretty much every Republican voter in the state.

For Votes!

Oh noes! It appears that Robert Shelby, the troglodytic Republican Senator from the illiterate, backwater armpit state of Alabama had someone read the Senate’s rules of order to him and found out he could block presidential appointments. What kind of presidential appointments? Why, all of them! And that’s when Shelby imposed a blanket hold on every presidential nomination that has to be approved by the Senate, because that is how you do good politics in Alabama, where the state motto is ‘Hold Your Breath And Stomp Your Feet Like A Child Until You Get your Way, And Also Have Sex With Your Attractive Cousins.”

So far, Shelby has yet to release his list of demands for the release of the blanket hold, though he’s recently been pissing and moaning about not getting a couple of military projects up and running in Alabama as was promised in his charter, including an IED testing facility. Presumably, he also wants a pony, a helicopter with a full fuel tank, a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills and an apology for all the jokes about people from Alabama being illiterate, cousin-fucking subhumans.

He will not get it, the dirty cousin-fucker.

Good fucking grief. The Supreme Court this morning came down 5-4 in declaring a key provision of McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform law unconstitutional. The implications of this decision are almost impossible to understate – corporations and unions can now spend as much money as God has at any time during an election cycle to say pretty much anything they please, whether it’s factual or not. This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote the First Amendment!

Check out SCOTUSBlog for  the full opinion, headline roundup, and probably a list of reasons you should just give the hell up and move to Canada already.

In other dumb ass Supreme Court news that will make you want to hurt things but maybe not as much as the first thing, carp may go anywhere they please, because limiting their movement would be like shitting down the throat of freedom.

I’m not usually one for procedural porn, but this is just too goddamn good to pass up. Al Franken, presiding over the Senate, informs Joe Lieberman that no, he may not have more time to finish his speech. This is… profound brilliance and justice on the floor of the Senate, courtesy of TPM.

Watch it, and then watch it again. Drink it in. Then giggle a little bit when Lieberman assures Franken he doesn’t take it personally. Actually, Joe, this one you might want to. You may be too important to the caucus to get the string of Senatorial pink bellies and swirlies you so richly deserve, but you have not behaved in a way that is going to make you many friends. Then keep giggling when John McCain, proceeds to literally wag his finger scornfully at the entire august legislative body and just barely avoid a rudeness induced aneurysm.

Oooh, let’s watch it again, shall we?

Jesus shit, The John Birch Society? Are they still, like, a thing? Seriously?

Apparently so. Someone turned over a rock and these troglodytes crawled out to sponsor the Conservative Political Action Conference. The group that was synonymous with “lunatic fringe, human hating, probably dangerous right-wing nutjobs” before the Tea Party movement sprung up is back, and they still do not much care for your socially liberal policies or basic human decency. Also, the Jews they can take or leave.

What will it take to send these morlocks back to their dimly lit underworld where they dine on poisonous fungus and immigrants are murdered and messily devoured by ravening packs of right-wing sub-humans? No one knows, though it does seem like good old fire would be a reasonable place to start.

Speaking of terrible things named John that you haven’t heard of in decades – John Stamos still exists. There is no reason you should know this, or would know it,except that Stamos is apparently making with the sexy hijinks. The people he made sexy hijinks with, though, want some money out of him, and are threatening to tell the whole world that John Stamos… is still alive, I guess?

Guys, scientists are like for serious this close to discovering the origin of cosmic rays, which are from space and almost certainly murdering you right now in ways you cannot imagine in your most vivid nightmares.

This is good news for Lou Dobbs! Since he wants to be a Senator  and thus longer despises Mexicans – have you not heard? – he will now have something new and even scarier than Mexicans to advocate building a retarded, useless-ass fence against.

To defend America.

A spanking new Rasmussen poll out today points a spotlight at just what kind of a monster the Republican party has created in the Tea Party movement. The national telephone survey shows that, given a generic ballot, more respondents would vote for the Tea Party candidate than the GOP candidate, with the Democratic candidate coming in at 36% support, the Tea Party candidate getting 23% and the GOP candidate getting just 18% of the vote.

Especially troubling for the GOP and moderately sane people everywhere, among independent voters the Tea Party candidate is more popular than the Democrat and almost three times as popular as the GOP candidate.

So congratulations, Republican party. What’s your encore? Invent a party that runs even more hard right than the Tea Party?

While the Bold & Fresh Tour 2010 sounds like a harmless ad campaign for some spectacular detergent, it is actually something far more sinister – a meeting of the minds crafted of pure evil. When Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly take the stage together, it will be the like the Flintstones meet the Jetsons, except if every character in those beloved cartoons had a black heart wrought of cold iron that pumped nothing save venomous bile and existed only to perpetuate an infinite variety of sufferings on every human being on the planet.

As to who gets to be bold and who remains merely fresh in this pairing,we can only guess. Also a mystery is which two fine young gentlemen will play the parts of Beck and O’Reilly in the inevitable series of astonishingly deviant gay porn films (The Bod & Flesh Tour, 2010, 2011, Spring Break, etc.) that is sure to be the closest thing to a wholesome result of this tour.

And while it doesn’t seem like that much pure, conecntrated loathing for humanity in one place could possibly be a good idea, keep in mind one thing. Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck will be on a bus. Together. Several times. So join me, if you will, in a prayer to a departed hero – Ghost of Cliff Burton, we beseech thee to work thy dark ways. Never has you nation needed you more.

Cross-dressing abortion waffler Rudy Giuliani thinks Sarah Palin is the bee’s knees! Really! “She’s great for the GOP,” America’s mayor told CNN on Sunday.

I wonder if that opinion could have anything to do with the fact that Alaska’s looniest ideologue ex- governor will probably be battling with Rudy for the 2012 ‘End of the World’ presidential nomination, and could make Giuliani look like an advanced cyborg sent back from the future for the sole purpose of gathering moderate and right leaning independent votes?

Sounds good for the GOP to me.

Yesterday was not a good day for the left, but it wasn’t the sort of tanking the media is seemingly choosing to see it as. Democrats lost one very close gubernatorial election and lost another one that was pretty much a toss up in the first place. There’s no reasonable way to portray this as good news, but it’s far from the ‘humiliating’ loss it’s being portrayed as at the moment. These are fundamentally local elections, and while Republicans got a  couple of governors in, the largely Republican backed spending limit measures on the ballot in Maine and Washington went down hard. (For those of you playing along at home, that means Tim Eyman is weeping somewhere, so it can’t be that bad of a day.) 

At a national level, it’s even harder to accept this as a referendum on 10 months of the Obama administration. Dems easily defended a seat in California and, perhaps more tellingly picked up a House seat in New York that’s been held by Republicans for nearly 100 years. That last one is thanks mostly to prominent GOP members boosting an ultra-conservative who promised to take his marching orders from an acknowledged sociopath fundamentally turned off a lot of voters in a traditionally moderate Republican district. The loss of Dave Hoffman in New York and the way Tim Pawlenty is sprinting to the right in preparation for a 2012 presidential run suggests that centrists in the GOP are in trouble –  Charlie Crist, I’m looking at you. And if this keeps up, it’s Republicans, more than Democrats who run the distinct risk of finding themselves largely out of touch with a lot of American independents come mid-term elections next year.

Virginia Foxx, despite spelling her name with a double x in the traditional ‘stripper or pornographic performer’ style, is actually NOT a stripper. Rather, she is a caricature of the old lady from the ‘Where’s the beef?’ commercials if she went off her meds and decided to spend the recent of her brief, mean time on Earth strangled hippies with her ancient, claw-like hands. She also has the honor of being the craziest, most offensive member of Congress to come out of the Carolinas recently, which is really and truly saying something.

After calling the Matthew Shepard murder a hoax and repeatedly using the phrase “tar baby” on the floor Congress, Foxx recently declared the prospect of health care reform to be a bigger threat to the nation than “any terrorist right now in any country.”

Now, I’m no fear-monger, but I have to take issue with the fact that Virginia Foxx (again, not a porn star, despite what her name would lead you to reasonably assume) certainly appears not to hate or fear terrorism at all. Which is just wrong headed. If there’s one thing the last eight years have taught us, it is that nothing is scarier than terrorism. Nothing, anywhere, ever. The very word “terrorism” is, grammatically speaking, literally two thirds PURE TERROR and one third suffix. Nothing is scarier than that. Not health care reform. Not swine flu. Nothing.

So why doesn’t Virginia Foxx hate terrorism? Does it have something to do with her confusing stripper name? That’s a question only she can answer.

But until she can answer it, I think she should step down and relinquish her seat in Congress to someone who we know hates terrorism. For example, this bear in India’s Kashmir, who killed a pair of militants who were holed up in his cave. That bear fucking HATES terrorism. Hates it so much he mauls terrorists, or even just militant guerilla rebels, which are a lot like terrorists, kind of, to death. So even if he is Indian, and a bear, he is a True American. Not like Virginia “Probably Never Been An Adult Film Star But Totally Spells Her Name Like One” Foxx.

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