security


FBI agent John Guandolo was fired from the FBI for hating Islamo-fascism too much, says Wa-Po columnist Frank Gaffney. You know, as long as by ‘hating Islamo-fascism too much,’ you mean ‘stepping out on his wife to sleep with the star witness in a federal corruption case.’ Which is a lot like counterterrorism… for the soul?

Remember, FBI agents Рsleeping with a witness in big case is not something you can pull off unless you are the coolest FBI agent ever. And even that guy  ended up languishing in the Black Lodge for it.

Dude, how much does Tedd Petruna’s delusional ass hate Jasper Schuringa right now? This guy heros it up helping to stop a real life terrorist – not a Spanish speaking guy with a cell phone – from detonating an actual bomb on a plane that he was on, rather than simply had tickets for. He has the bashed up hand to prove it and everything. And he does it on December 25th, thereby preventing the ruining of Christmas for the entire Goddamn world. And to top it all off, he has the astonishing gall to not even be a fucking American while he does it. Video after the break. (more…)

How big of an American hero is Tedd Petruna? I’m glad you asked. He is such a big goddamned hero that he can save an entire plane full of people from terrorists…when he is not even on the plane.

Petruna was supposed to be on a flight that he didn’t quite make. When a commotion on the flight made the news, Tedd Petruna, who apparently doesn’t even know how to spell his fucking name correctly, sent his friends and family an email about how he and a couple other passengers had taken matters into their own hands and kicked a dozen muslims off the plane, thereby preventing them from DOING TERRORISM, which is the only reason a muslim has ever gotten on a plane anywhere.

He only neglected two things – first, airlines keep track of every passenger on board every plane – even the ones who are not terrorists. Which is how we know th Tedd Petruna was not, in point of fact, on this plane. Which would have only been an embarrassing thing for his friends and family to eventually find out, except for the second thing that Tedd Petruna forgot — forwarding email is really goddamn easy, and pretty much anything you put on the internet is a matter of public record.

Just ask Russell Wiseman, mayor of some bumfuck ville in Tennessee who sent out facebook notes bemoaning the mulsim president’s pre-emption of a Charlie Brown while also bitching about how this country has really gone to shit since we let people who don’t even own property vote and then acted all surprised when it turned out that the internet knows what you say on Facebook, which means Wiseman is not just a total fucking idiot… he is also a total fucking idiot.

Similarly, Tedd Petruna apparently had no idea what the little ‘Forward’ button in most email programs does. Now, we can assume, he knows.

Full letter after the break, which is totally priceless.

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Hey, ever wonder what the folks behind Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement were getting up to while everyone was talking about the notable and seemingly harmless news about ICANN approving non-latin domain names surfaced this week?

Funny you should mention that – they’re deputizing your ISP in the name of protecting big Hollywood films studios from the likes of you and me.

Just what exactly negotiators are talking about this week is secret on paper, but leaks coming out of the conference, which is taking place in Seoul, South Korea, suggest that just about every file sharers worst fears could be realized. The worst of it so far looks to be a set of rules similar to the French ‘Three Strikes’ policy, requiring service providers to terminate service to a customer following allegations of repeat copyright violations at a particular ISP. But that’s just one of plenty of unpleasant restrictions that could be coming soon to a computer near you, including the distinct possibility of jail time for US file sharers.

But not, oddly enough to any computers in China or Russia, the two biggest bastions of media counterfeiting. So, that’s effective, right?

Great, in-depth coverage of what this means for you an the rest of the world is available at the Electronic Frontier Foundation and of course over on Boing Boing.

Virginia Foxx, despite spelling her name with a double x in the traditional ‘stripper or pornographic performer’ style, is actually NOT a stripper. Rather, she is a caricature of the old lady from the ‘Where’s the beef?’ commercials if she went off her meds and decided to spend the recent of her brief, mean time on Earth strangled hippies with her ancient, claw-like hands. She also has the honor of being the craziest, most offensive member of Congress to come out of the Carolinas recently, which is really and truly saying something.

After calling the Matthew Shepard murder a hoax and repeatedly using the phrase “tar baby” on the floor Congress, Foxx recently declared the prospect of health care reform to be a bigger threat to the nation than “any terrorist right now in any country.”

Now, I’m no fear-monger, but I have to take issue with the fact that Virginia Foxx (again, not a porn star, despite what her name would lead you to reasonably assume) certainly appears not to hate or fear terrorism at all. Which is just wrong headed. If there’s one thing the last eight years have taught us, it is that nothing is scarier than terrorism. Nothing, anywhere, ever. The very word “terrorism” is, grammatically speaking, literally two thirds PURE TERROR and one third suffix. Nothing is scarier than that. Not health care reform. Not swine flu. Nothing.

So why doesn’t Virginia Foxx hate terrorism? Does it have something to do with her confusing stripper name? That’s a question only she can answer.

But until she can answer it, I think she should step down and relinquish her seat in Congress to someone who we know hates terrorism. For example, this bear in India’s Kashmir, who killed a pair of militants who were holed up in his cave. That bear fucking HATES terrorism. Hates it so much he mauls terrorists, or even just militant guerilla rebels, which are a lot like terrorists, kind of, to death. So even if he is Indian, and a bear, he is a True American. Not like Virginia “Probably Never Been An Adult Film Star But Totally Spells Her Name Like One” Foxx.

What does it take to get fired from the Air Force for gross incompetence? A damned lot, that’s what.

Maybe the nuclear bomber wing under you command failing a safety inspection would do it? Nah, probably not.

Perhaps if officers under your command fell asleep at the switch while in possession of nuclear weapon launch codes, that would be enough to get you canned?

But when a truck full of parts for the 150 intercontinental ballistic missiles loaded with nuclear warheads that you are responsible for goes off the road and tips the hell over because the driver saw a bug? Well, that, sir, is a bridge too far. That is the point at which the military deems you are no longer trustworthy of being in command of hundreds upon hundreds iterations of the most powerful and horrific weapon mankind has ever known.

Colonel Christopher Ayres, we will say good day to you, sir.

It’s really good to know that the military has a three strikes policy on fucking clowns running commanding legions of nuclear weapons. Because really, what could go wrong those first two times?

Attention, Print Journalism: You are going out of business because you are fucking boring. Take, for example, the headline from the Financial Times regarding the trial of a nuclear researcher at Cern, home of the soon-to-be-turned-on-and-either-explain-everything-or-kill-us-all Large Hadron Collider.’Scientist at Cern appears before anti-terrorism judge‘ just doesn’t capture how really and truly bone chilling this story has every right to be. I mean sure, Adlene Hicheur wasn’t exactly designing nuclear death machines or anything. He was, by all accounts, just a run of the mill 32-year-old French particle physicist who wrote data analysis formulae for the world’s largest broken super collider and may or may not have wanted to make some places in France explode in rather dramatic fashion.

But really, this is a story ripped directly from the pages of todays comic books! A job for Nick Fury himself, and even the New York Times can’t do better than ‘Nuclear Scientist Under Terror Inquiry’ here?

At the risk of sounding like a sensationalist, I think ‘Al Qaeda Operative Infiltrates Black Hole Machine’ would have sold some fucking newspapers. But hell, what do I know?

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