Government To Be Replaced By A Bunch Of Assholes On Facebook

What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?

Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*

This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!

*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.

 

Set Profile to Private… Now

Holy shit, everybody – all of our grandmothers just found Facebook! Internet use among seniors is up over the last year, but no site has seen as much new traffic from the olds as Facebook. Among sites visited by web users over the age of 65, Facebook shot up from number 45 to  number 3.

This is your last chance to get those pictures of you giving it your all in the Topless Keg Stand Tournament of Champions off the Internet before you cause your Nana to keel over from the intense shame that you have brought upon the family.

 

In Which New Frontiers Are Explored By Robots

This week saw news about robots being introduced to strange new environments. One is incredibly deep, the other phenomenally shallow, but both are populated by bizarre and unnerving creatures, and scientists still have a lot of questions about each.

Making preparations to go deep is Nereus, a robotic submarine that can operate in both human guided and autonomous, free swimming mode. When it launches, it will make just the third recorded voyage to the Challenger Deep, plunging 11,000 meters to deepest known portion of the ocean floor. A project of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, Nereus is equipped with a manipulating arm and basket for taking samples from the sea floor, like Japan’s Kaiko sub did several years ago. Nereus, however, will be untethered and operating on it’s own for at least a part of the mission.

While Nereus plumbs the limits of the deep blue sea, reseachers at the Interactive Robots and Media Lab at the University of the United Arab Emirates are hard at work on Ibn Sina, a robot who will explore relationships between humans and robots on Facebook. After creating it’s own simple profile, Ibn Sina, who looks human, can converse simply and recognize faces will reach out and touch people it meets in it’s home at the university on Facebook, looking to build relationships with them through simple interaction. The implications are obvious for anyone who has ever worried that all their friends on facebook may be imaginary. In time, they may be, and if Ibn Sina is any indicator of things to come, it may be sooner than any of us thought.