Florida governor and Republican Senate candidate may officially be the tallest and least popular Oompa Loompa in the history of time. Only months ago a rising star in the Republican party, he now trails Marco Rubio by a truly staggering 30 points in the GOP Senate primary. Adding insult to career injury, most Floridians don’t want to see him back in the governor’s office next year, either. Even if he ran as an independent, it doesn’t appear that Crist could get elected so much as dog catcher in 2010.
By way of illustration, this graph, courtesy of TPM, says it all. The black line, the one falling to earth like a wounded bird, struggling to stay aloft, flailing at the air, not yet quite comprehending that it’s already dead? That’s Crist.

There are so many contenders for dumbest thing in the past few days, we hardly know where to start. How about with people whose salaries are paid by taxpayers completely wasting everyone’s time by proposing pointless, unconstitutional legislation.

South Carolina state legislator Mike Pitts, who has presumably never read the Consitution, has proposed a bill to outlaw federal currency in South Carolina, essentially returning the state to a barter system anchored by silver and gold.

Florida Rep. Charles van Zant wants to make all abortions illegal everywhere, which a representative from a bumfuck district in a backwater state could totally do!

Utah does not appreciate having to have a Martin Luther King Day, and if they have to celebrate it, they would like very much to also celebrate the life of Samuel Browning, who made lots of guns, guns being among the many, many things that people from Utah like more than black people. (See also: ALMOST EVERYTHING)

But hey, at least everybody was classy enough not to say anything astonishingly ignorant  and offensive to families of disabled children everywhere…

Oh, goddammit Virginia! Why must you insist on fucking up everything!

Mark Foley has a new radio show! You remember Mark Foley, right? He was a Republican Congressman from Florida who got caught red handed and rosy palmed exchanging sexually explicit emails with an underaged former page.

But that’s okay, because he totally loves God and stuff! You’ll get to hear all about what an awesome guy Mark Foley is if you tune into his new radio show, Inside The Mind of Mark Foley. Though for squeamish listeners, you should be reminded – the last time anyone went inside the mind of Mark Foley…well, it got a little blue.

Landfall in Florida? Not if Charlie Crist and his good buddy God have anything to say about it.

Landfall in Florida? Not if Charlie Crist and his good buddy God have anything to say about it.

We find ourselves at a crossroads in American politics today, where we have to choose between two kinds of politicians. One sort, epitomized by Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, waits patiently in quiet deference for God to start holding up cue cards and then acts according to His divine will.

Which is all well and good, I suppose. But wouldn’t you rather vote for a dynamic, aggressive politico who brooks no sass from anyone, up to and including the Lord Almighty? That’s the sort of elected official Charlie Crist is. Need proof? How about this – when Charlie Crist tells God to keep them hurricanes out of Florida, then those motherfuckin’ hurricanes stay the hell out of Florida.

The only question now is, who do you want running your country –  a fundamentalist Christian who can’t take a shit without the say so from the Man Upstairs, or a fundamentalist Christian who single handedly defends his entire state from the ravages of tropical storms by telling God how the fuck it is going to be?