Gamecrush Delivers Sexy Fantasy Women To Legion of Shut-Ins

New startup Gamecrush is bucking the stereotype of video-gamers as reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements, wholly incapable of engaging a human female in conversation.

Instead, Gamecrush is betting that gamers are a bunch of reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements and will pay through the nose for the opportunity to engage a woman in conversation, as long as that conversation takes place while playing video games online and includes the word “pwned” at some point.

Members of Gamecrush fall into two categories, both of which manage to somehow make the very concept of paid sex chat even less dignified – Players, the men who pay for the privilege of engaging in private chat sessions with Playdates, women who are paid by Gamecrush to chat up legions of lonely FPS fans during rounds of play.

Meant only for totally mature individuals over the age of 18, chat sessions can be set to Flirty or Dirty, though exactly how one would get dirtier in these sessions than during an average round of Modern Warfare 2 stretches the imagination to a point where the senses reel and the mind begs for mercy.

Update: The link is not broken, the site is just down due to massive public response to the first Beta offering. In related news, we are all fucking doomed.

 

We Have A Pill For That!

Are you sick of being dumber as an adult than you were as a child? Have faith in science! Researchers at SUNY are hard at work developing a medication that will make your brain work like it did before you hit puberty and and every significant thought you had got drowned out in a sea of worrying about paying the bills and thinking about sex pretty much constantly.

The potential is there to develop a pill that could ease the effect of stress on certain receptors in the brain, increase the ease with which adults and adolescents alike can learn languages and retain information. More importantly, it could improve spatial cognition skills and, thus, video game playing abilities. There is no way that you will be as impressive as the dude playing Contra in this video, though. That’s some straight up Wizard shit.

 

Our Sad, Sad Best Effort

Do you ever have that sinking feeling that your best effort – isn’t quite good enough?

This would seem very much to be the case concerning global efforts to combat the spread of the A/H1N1 influenza virus – that’s swine flu if your feeling nasty. Since it roared onto the scene months ago, the A/H1N1 virus has continued spreading unabated across the world. So what’s being done to make sure this thing doesn’t get out of hand? Are we hiring help to take the stress off of the embattled school nurses who will be on the front lines when the US school year starts? Or making sure at risk groups like parents of school aged kids get vaccinated?

Nah. We’re making sure all the really important flu prevention techniques are hitting the ground running. Like lame browser video games and homemade YouTube PSAs.

So when your major metro area is shut down by swine flu in the coming months, just remember – we couldn’t have done any better. And that is incredibly pitiful.

 

The Possibilities Are Endless!

Hats off to Professor Masatoshi Ishikawa of the University of Tokyo, who has turned his scientific prowess in the field of robotics toward a subject  we can all get behind – creating the next generation of android athletes, superior to their human counterparts in every way, except for their inability to feel love.

Ishikawa’s laboratory is now home field for a robotic pitching arm that can throw strikes 9 times out of 10 and and a batting arm that can never swings at anything outside of the strike zone, and bats almost 1.000 on pitches inside the zone. Of course, that’s a tainted sample size at best, as right now it’s only swinging at 25 mph lobs across the plate.

But Ishikawa hopes that future iterations of the technology will be able to throw curves and sliders at upwards of 90 mph, hit with power to all fields and spout situationally appropriate baseball cliches. Which is great, but it’s still a couple generations of technology and a laser gun arm away from the ultimate sport – baseball played by fighting robots. Fighting robots that we can also train as gangs of ninja crime fighters.

Still, it’s a step in the right direction, and that’s nothing to scoff at.

 

Good Deed For The Day

The friendly fellas over at The Speed Gamers are 30 hours into their most epic charity event so far – a full seven day marathon of Final Fantasy, featuring live streamed marathon sessions of Final Fantasy 1 – 12.

These guys will be up all hours slaying monsters, summoning deities and saving the world more times than is reasonable to ask of them, and all they’re asking of you is to pitch a couple dollars towards autism research while you watch their minds slowly shatter under the stress of sleep deprivation and HP grinding.

You only have to watch for a little while to know that this is turn based roleplaying at it’s highest level – it’s like the All Star game of dorky pastimes. Except, you know, worth watching. Anyhow, I urge you to check it out and toss a couple bucks and a kind word their way. Cause sure, there are more soul crushing ways to raise money for a good cause by playing video games, but there certainly aren’t many.