The John Birch Society Was Crazy Before Being Crazy Was Cool

Jesus shit, The John Birch Society? Are they still, like, a thing? Seriously?

Apparently so. Someone turned over a rock and these troglodytes crawled out to sponsor the Conservative Political Action Conference. The group that was synonymous with “lunatic fringe, human hating, probably dangerous right-wing nutjobs” before the Tea Party movement sprung up is back, and they still do not much care for your socially liberal policies or basic human decency. Also, the Jews they can take or leave.

What will it take to send these morlocks back to their dimly lit underworld where they dine on poisonous fungus and immigrants are murdered and messily devoured by ravening packs of right-wing sub-humans? No one knows, though it does seem like good old fire would be a reasonable place to start.

Speaking of terrible things named John that you haven’t heard of in decades – John Stamos still exists. There is no reason you should know this, or would know it,except that Stamos is apparently making with the sexy hijinks. The people he made sexy hijinks with, though, want some money out of him, and are threatening to tell the whole world that John Stamos… is still alive, I guess?

 

Hot, Pointy Eared Goings On

Great. Someone gave wingnuts a video game, and of course it’s the one with with hot, gay, man on elf action. There’s also potential for lesbian sex and, yes, boring old heterosexual shenanigans in the game, but somehow it doesn’t seem like people are getting too worked up about those options.

They are, naturally, terrified that, in addition to shut-ins or gun-toting sociopaths, video games now have the potential to turn their kids into gays. Or, presumably, elves.

I will take just one moment to take issue with the characterization of the hijinks available in the game as “dirty ‘gay’ sex” by conservative freakout machine WorldNetDaily. Gay sex maybe, but dirty? Look, folks, I just so happen to know one hell of a lot about elves, having spent significant portions of my life poring over scholarly tomes devoted at least in part to elf culture and biology. And I can tell you this – if you had sex with an elf, gay or straight, it would be the cleanest, daintiest most dignified sex you had ever had. And also hot. That’s just a fact.

 

Proof That The 9/12 Movement Attracts America’s Best and Brightest

It is a good day to be an American! Earlier today a bunch of Congressmen tore up paper in the halls of Congress to prove a point – that they are mature, reasonable people who are open to reasonably evaluating the difficult problems that face our country. And now conservative rapper Hi-Caliber reminds us about all of the other things that make America great, like Joe Wilson and God, but not “alternative lifestyles!” To those, Hi-Caliber gives a limp wrist of mocking disapproval! See for yourself!

The important thing to remember here is that this is completely fucking straight faced, rather than the shitty fucking Colbert Show skit it looks like. This guy is a real, actual human being – he exists, and you share the world with him, every day! For those of you playing along at home, this video closes the book on the matter – irony is dead and we are now, as a society, fucking it’s corpse in the street.

 

Inside The Pants of Mark Foley

Mark Foley has a new radio show! You remember Mark Foley, right? He was a Republican Congressman from Florida who got caught red handed and rosy palmed exchanging sexually explicit emails with an underaged former page.

But that’s okay, because he totally loves God and stuff! You’ll get to hear all about what an awesome guy Mark Foley is if you tune into his new radio show, Inside The Mind of Mark Foley. Though for squeamish listeners, you should be reminded – the last time anyone went inside the mind of Mark Foley…well, it got a little blue.

 

Hitting the Wonderwall

O happy day, o joyous news! Souless crap rock powerhouse Oasis has finally burnt itself out in a sissy British catfight fueled champagne supernova! Lead guitarist and songwriter Noel Gallagher pulled the plug on the band, apparently realizing it may be the only way to redeem his immortal soul.

It’s too late for that, of course, but we’re all spared any more whining brit pop from the brothers Gallagher, which could buy Noel a couple thousand years of purgatory, depending on the going karmic rate.

 

Michael Steele – “Nuance BAAAAADD!

NPR anchor Steve Inskeep is the mellow, honeyed voice of morning headlines, which is why it’s so entertaining to listen to him to him absolutely rip RNC Chairman Michael Stelle a new one – in the nicest possible manner, of course. Highlights include Steele trying to deny that Republicans in Congress have been using scare tactic talking points to frighten voters away from health care reform, and apparently thinking that describing something as “nuanced” is some sort of liberal slur. Priceless.

You can listen to the interview on today’s Morning Edition here.

 

Frank To Idiot Asshole: ‘Sit Down and Shut The Fuck Up.”

Oh, Barney Frank, you make my heart sing. And I’m comfortable enough with who I am to admit that I get more than a little hot when you say things like “It is a tribute to the First Amendment that this kind of vile, contemptible nonsense is so freely propagated.”

Now that Frank has stood up to these jackasses without the sky falling, hopefully more Democrats will develop the fairly minimal balls it should take to say that the stupid bigots coming out to these town halls are just that – stupid bigots, whose opinions are not worthy of our attention.

 

In Which Eight Is More Than Enough

The California octuplets took the first quivering steps towards their collective 120 minutes of fame over the weekend when their mother, Nadya Suleman, signed a contract worth up to $250,000. And all she had to do was allow a camera crew to film every important moment in the lives of her 14 children for the next few years.

Pretty great, huh? I mean, I’m certain it’s what her children would want if they had any say in the matter. And by the time that money runs out, Suleman will totally be making enough money that she no longer has to callously exploit her children for the sake of keeping a roof over their heads.

In one piece of good news, a judge in California has placed an independent lawyer, one Norbert Bunt, in charge of the finances of Suleman’s eight children, over the complaints of Suleman’s own lawyer that doing so violates her family’s right to privacy. Unlike having your children under video surveillance that’s broadcast to a global television audience, which anyone concerned with their privacy would sign on for. The appointment follows citations levied against website RadarOnline, which in recent weeks was found to be filming Suleman’s children for too long, too late into the night, and without proper permits.

And while it’s laudable that the state of California is at least trying to ensure a decent life for these kids down the line by forcing Suleman to keep 15% of the profits from the TV show in a trust for her eight youngest, it’s fighting a losing battle. After all, divided eight ways, that money will just barely scratch the surface of the therapy bills that will no doubt accompany having ones formative years treated like a low rent publicity stunt.

 

In Which Glenn Beck Is Actually Entertaining, Albeit Briefly

Glenn Beck freakout remix, featuring the local boys concerns over the all too real vampire problem we have here in the Pacific Northwest.

Thanks to Crooks and Liars for this.

 

The Real World: Alaska

It’s time for a new round of America’s favorite game, Republicans Go Nuts On Twitter! Those of you playing along at home know that it’s just eight short days until Sarah Palin is freed from the shackles of governing and released onto a dismally unprepared populace. And according to her Twitter feed (thanks Wonkette), the Sarah Barracuda is about to take the gloves off and stop being so “politically correct.” That’s right, folks, everything we feared is true – Sarah Palin has been holding back so far. She’s not as crazy as we thought.

She is much, much crazier.

And it would appear that she’s about to stop being polite… and start getting real.

 

Good Deed For The Day

The friendly fellas over at The Speed Gamers are 30 hours into their most epic charity event so far – a full seven day marathon of Final Fantasy, featuring live streamed marathon sessions of Final Fantasy 1 – 12.

These guys will be up all hours slaying monsters, summoning deities and saving the world more times than is reasonable to ask of them, and all they’re asking of you is to pitch a couple dollars towards autism research while you watch their minds slowly shatter under the stress of sleep deprivation and HP grinding.

You only have to watch for a little while to know that this is turn based roleplaying at it’s highest level – it’s like the All Star game of dorky pastimes. Except, you know, worth watching. Anyhow, I urge you to check it out and toss a couple bucks and a kind word their way. Cause sure, there are more soul crushing ways to raise money for a good cause by playing video games, but there certainly aren’t many.

 

Maximum Awesomosity

Email from a good friend this morning linked to this – The Boss playing alongside The Gaslight Anthem. It’s a little outside my  wheelhouse here, but now that I have this, I feel it’s my duty as a responsible citizen of the internets to put it as many places as I can.

Many billions of thanks to Ackerman on this one.