Jesus shit, The John Birch Society? Are they still, like, a thing? Seriously?

Apparently so. Someone turned over a rock and these troglodytes crawled out to sponsor the Conservative Political Action Conference. The group that was synonymous with “lunatic fringe, human hating, probably dangerous right-wing nutjobs” before the Tea Party movement sprung up is back, and they still do not much care for your socially liberal policies or basic human decency. Also, the Jews they can take or leave.

What will it take to send these morlocks back to their dimly lit underworld where they dine on poisonous fungus and immigrants are murdered and messily devoured by ravening packs of right-wing sub-humans? No one knows, though it does seem like good old fire would be a reasonable place to start.

Speaking of terrible things named John that you haven’t heard of in decades – John Stamos still exists. There is no reason you should know this, or would know it,except that Stamos is apparently making with the sexy hijinks. The people he made sexy hijinks with, though, want some money out of him, and are threatening to tell the whole world that John Stamos… is still alive, I guess?

Great. Someone gave wingnuts a video game, and of course it’s the one with with hot, gay, man on elf action. There’s also potential for lesbian sex and, yes, boring old heterosexual shenanigans in the game, but somehow it doesn’t seem like people are getting too worked up about those options.

They are, naturally, terrified that, in addition to shut-ins or gun-toting sociopaths, video games now have the potential to turn their kids into gays. Or, presumably, elves.

I will take just one moment to take issue with the characterization of the hijinks available in the game as “dirty ‘gay’ sex” by conservative freakout machine WorldNetDaily. Gay sex maybe, but dirty? Look, folks, I just so happen to know one hell of a lot about elves, having spent significant portions of my life poring over scholarly tomes devoted at least in part to elf culture and biology. And I can tell you this – if you had sex with an elf, gay or straight, it would be the cleanest, daintiest most dignified sex you had ever had. And also hot. That’s just a fact.

It is a good day to be an American! Earlier today a bunch of Congressmen tore up paper in the halls of Congress to prove a point – that they are mature, reasonable people who are open to reasonably evaluating the difficult problems that face our country. And now conservative rapper Hi-Caliber reminds us about all of the other things that make America great, like Joe Wilson and God, but not “alternative lifestyles!” To those, Hi-Caliber gives a limp wrist of mocking disapproval! See for yourself!

The important thing to remember here is that this is completely fucking straight faced, rather than the shitty fucking Colbert Show skit it looks like.┬áThis guy is a real, actual human being – he exists, and you share the world with him, every day! For those of you playing along at home, this video closes the book on the matter – irony is dead and we are now, as a society, fucking it’s corpse in the street.

Mark Foley has a new radio show! You remember Mark Foley, right? He was a Republican Congressman from Florida who got caught red handed and rosy palmed exchanging sexually explicit emails with an underaged former page.

But that’s okay, because he totally loves God and stuff! You’ll get to hear all about what an awesome guy Mark Foley is if you tune into his new radio show, Inside The Mind of Mark Foley. Though for squeamish listeners, you should be reminded – the last time anyone went inside the mind of Mark Foley…well, it got a little blue.

O happy day, o joyous news! Souless crap rock powerhouse Oasis has finally burnt itself out in a sissy British catfight fueled champagne supernova! Lead guitarist and songwriter Noel Gallagher pulled the plug on the band, apparently realizing it may be the only way to redeem his immortal soul.

It’s too late for that, of course, but we’re all spared any more whining brit pop from the brothers Gallagher, which could buy Noel a couple thousand years of purgatory, depending on the going karmic rate.

NPR anchor Steve Inskeep is the mellow, honeyed voice of morning headlines, which is why it’s so entertaining to listen to him to him absolutely rip RNC Chairman Michael Stelle a new one – in the nicest possible manner, of course. Highlights include Steele trying to deny that Republicans in Congress have been using scare tactic talking points to frighten voters away from health care reform, and apparently thinking that describing something as “nuanced” is some sort of liberal slur. Priceless.

You can listen to the interview on today’s Morning Edition here.

Oh, Barney Frank, you make my heart sing. And I’m comfortable enough with who I am to admit that I get more than a little hot when you say things like “It is a tribute to the First Amendment that this kind of vile, contemptible nonsense is so freely propagated.”

Now that Frank has stood up to these jackasses without the sky falling, hopefully more Democrats will develop the fairly minimal balls it should take to say that the stupid bigots coming out to these town halls are just that – stupid bigots, whose opinions are not worthy of our attention.

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