January 13, 2010
Television’s favorite fundamentalist hatemonger Pat Robertson is once again warning us of the wrath of the angry, vengeful God he worships out of fear.
Robertson’s God, whose greatest hits include being responsible for Hurricane Katrina, 9/11(with an assist from the ACLU) and Ariel Sharon’s stroke and every time you ever got a hangnail, you self pleasuring heathen, was apparently getting his smite on yesterday when a nightmarish 7.0 earthquake hit the impoverished nation of Haiti, killing tens of thousands in the least able to handle it place in the world.
According to Robertson, this is because the Haitians made a deal with the devil hundreds of years ago when they revolted against colonial French forces and established Haiti as an independent nation. It follows, then, that Haiti could have been spared this and a host of other disasters by just remaining a nation of slaves for generation upon generation, which is what, which is what Pat Robertson’s monstrous bogeyman God wanted for black people anyway!
Or it could be, you know, a combination of poor building construction throughout a third world nation combined with staggering geological bad luck.
If you want to stymie the efforts of Robertson and his merciless, grudge-bearing deity, or you just want to help people almost infinitely less fortunate than yourself, visit here to learn a couple ways to donate to the relief effort in Haiti, which is already stretched to the breaking point and only going to get worse.
November 6, 2009
The latest problem to crop up unexpectedly at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider? A bird dropped a piece of bread on some machinery outside of it, causing significant overheating. For those of you playing along at home, this means the most sensitive and advanced piece of scientific equipment ever known to man is not only vulnerable to terrorists – it can’t even protect itself from pigeons.
The collider wasn’t operational at the time, because that would have required the collider to be operational at some point, but if it had been working when it was attacked by the highly advanced warfare of a bird carrying some bread, fail safes would have shut it down.
At what point do we give up and just turn this thing into the world's biggest, coolest Laser Tag arena?
Remember though – its distinctly possible this bird was a double agent, dispatched by the folks at ConCERNed to stop the LHC before it kills us all. They have a lawsuit alleging that turning the machine on is a violation of the human rights of the entire world coming before the UN, but I think we all know how effective the UN is in these matters. Could it be that ConCERNed is using an army of trained animals to covertly take matters into it’s own hands?
Hey, it’s not the least likely theory on why the LHC remains broke-ass down. That would be the recently published paper on how the collider is being sabotaged. From the future. By God. Which, it turns out, actually may not be as crazy as it sounds.
Though in all fairness: It’s really hard for anything to be as crazy as that sounds.
August 29, 2009
American Atheists, Inc. has won it’s continuing battle to keep God out of Kentucky.
Franklin County Circuit Court Judge Thomas Wingate, who apparently despises The Lord and all of His magnificent creations, has declared that a 2006 law requiring Homeland Security officials in Kentucky to recognize their “dependence on God Almighty” to defend the Bluegrass State from those who would harm it. Exactly which terrorist cell was out to get Kentucky remains unclear, but the fact that legislators felt they needed the direct protection of YHWH suggests that an impressive array of nefarious forces were being aligned against the northernmost region of the American south.
Even for a devout agnostic like myself, it seems that there’s a little room for divine intervention in this case. After all, if you’re not going to get God to come down and protect the American bourbon supply, not to mention the beating heart of the twin industries of horse racing and glue manufacturing, what are you going to call the big guy in for?
Now that they’ve made Kentucky safe for secular humanism, the folks American Atheists Inc. can get back to their more important humanitarian work of feeding the hungry, fighting poverty and providing quality housing in depressed neighborhoods.
I’m just joshing! They’re gonna file a complaint about a cross on some stretch of bumfuck highway or some shit. Keep up the good work, guys – you’re really making the world a better place.
August 24, 2009
Landfall in Florida? Not if Charlie Crist and his good buddy God have anything to say about it.
We find ourselves at a crossroads in American politics today, where we have to choose between two kinds of politicians. One sort, epitomized by Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, waits patiently in quiet deference for God to start holding up cue cards and then acts according to His divine will.
Which is all well and good, I suppose. But wouldn’t you rather vote for a dynamic, aggressive politico who brooks no sass from anyone, up to and including the Lord Almighty? That’s the sort of elected official Charlie Crist is. Need proof? How about this – when Charlie Crist tells God to keep them hurricanes out of Florida, then those motherfuckin’ hurricanes stay the hell out of Florida.
The only question now is, who do you want running your country – a fundamentalist Christian who can’t take a shit without the say so from the Man Upstairs, or a fundamentalist Christian who single handedly defends his entire state from the ravages of tropical storms by telling God how the fuck it is going to be?