Double Whammy

It happens to all guys, sure, but not being able to perform in bed has left many men feeling like they could die of shame. But it turns out, that sensation is not actually shame – it is probably just a heart attack! Okay, it’s a heart attack with a side of shame.

In a totally uncalled for addition of grave injury to demeaning insult, a recent study by German researchers indicates that erectile dysfunction may be more than just an embarrassing problem in the bedroom. Men who suffer from ED are twice as likely as their more virile counterparts to die of heart attacks or cardiovascular disease. They also have a slightly increased risk of stroke, just for good measure. All of which just seems kind of shitty and unfair to dudes who have enough problems already, but there you have it.

 

Hot, Pointy Eared Goings On

Great. Someone gave wingnuts a video game, and of course it’s the one with with hot, gay, man on elf action. There’s also potential for lesbian sex and, yes, boring old heterosexual shenanigans in the game, but somehow it doesn’t seem like people are getting too worked up about those options.

They are, naturally, terrified that, in addition to shut-ins or gun-toting sociopaths, video games now have the potential to turn their kids into gays. Or, presumably, elves.

I will take just one moment to take issue with the characterization of the hijinks available in the game as “dirty ‘gay’ sex” by conservative freakout machine WorldNetDaily. Gay sex maybe, but dirty? Look, folks, I just so happen to know one hell of a lot about elves, having spent significant portions of my life poring over scholarly tomes devoted at least in part to elf culture and biology. And I can tell you this – if you had sex with an elf, gay or straight, it would be the cleanest, daintiest most dignified sex you had ever had. And also hot. That’s just a fact.

 

Inside The Pants of Mark Foley

Mark Foley has a new radio show! You remember Mark Foley, right? He was a Republican Congressman from Florida who got caught red handed and rosy palmed exchanging sexually explicit emails with an underaged former page.

But that’s okay, because he totally loves God and stuff! You’ll get to hear all about what an awesome guy Mark Foley is if you tune into his new radio show, Inside The Mind of Mark Foley. Though for squeamish listeners, you should be reminded – the last time anyone went inside the mind of Mark Foley…well, it got a little blue.

 

In Which World War II Is Referenced In A Variety Of Asinine Manners

While nations across the world marked the 70th anniversary of World War II, Bush apologist and Rumsfeld groupie Victor David Hanson used his National Review column to ask the question that was on absolutely nobody’s mind  – Was WWII ultimately worth it? His perhaps surprising answer? A strong maybe.

But thanks to German AIDS awareness group Regenbogen e.V., that’s not the dumbest piece of WWII related news this week. The group is responsible for what purports to be an AIDS awareness commercial supporting their “AIDS is a mass murder” campaign that is actually a steamy sex tape which is totally hot until you realize the dude in it is totally Adolf Hitler. Who is…apparently giving someone AIDS? I guess. Anyway, not cool, Regenbogen e.V.! Now I’ve got a half stack over history’s greatest monster! How am I supposed to be okay with that?

“The campaign is designed to shake people up… Because anyone can become infected,” states the Regenbogen website. Even Hitler. And also, according to their accompanying posters, Sadaam Hussein and Stalin. The message that the group, which is totally not trying to be controversial for the sake of directing publicity towards themselves, comes through loud and clear – people with AIDS are evil and genocidal. And have facial hair. But mostly are evil.

 

I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if I could, I would vote for Silvio Berlusconi for everything. Not for anything – for everything. From dog catcher to DA, this is the guy I want in charge.

I want my country run by a guy so bad ass that when the sex tapes come out, they come out in volumes. I want a guy who responds to said sex tapes not by apologizing or vacillating or doing a lot of soul searching, but by saying “I’m no saint.” Next question, motherfuckers.

I want to know the man in charge of my nation loves him some three way, is pro-masturbation, and names his beds after fellow world leaders. I want to know that he is hiding archaeological sites on his palatial estate so he can brag about them to the call girls he hires to come to his parties. Come to think of it, I want a leader who can hire escorts and then not even feel obliged to sleep with all of them. And who can, rumors say, help them try to run for political office, which is a nice thing to do. Though, considering that Berlusconi continues to claim that he has never paid for sex, and complaints heard on the tapes seem to verify that ‘in the Putin bed’ wasn’t wasn’t the only way that The Italian Prime Minister was stiffing his escorts, it would seem to be just about the least he could do.

Mark Sanford, John Ensign, which ever Republican legislator is going to become embroiled in a sex scandal, you should all take note. Next time you get caught with your pants around your ankles, and there will be a next time, do the right thing. Man up. Say “Yeah, I slept with that prostitute. And what’s more, I was great.” I think we’ll all respect you more for it.

 

On The Road Again

Hey, remember how Mark Sanford was eager to get back to the business of running South Carolina? Turns out the best way to run South Carolina is from Europe.

In further proof that when the lord made Mark Sanford, he made a ramblin’ man, the beleaguered South Carolina Governor arrived in London yesterday. And with his family in tow, no less! It’s the beginning of  a two week sabbatical that marks Sanford’s third trip out of South Carolina after turning “hiking the Appalachian Trail” into a tawdry sexual metaphor just a month ago. According to his staff, Sanford “will be in contact with other state officials and staff throughout the trip, and will continue conducting the business of the state.”

And after he gets back, all this messy affair business will have blown over, right? After all, what better way to help people forget about the intercontinental jaunt you took to nail your exotic mistress than too take a widely publicized international jaunt for the sake of (presumably) nailing your legitimate wife? Flawless plan, Mark. I’m sure this is the last you’ll hear about your wandering eye. And wandering penis. And wandering pretty much everything, come to think of it.

Meanwhile, in news from the opposite corner of Republican Sex Scandal-vania, John Ensign is hemmhoraging senior staff. His communications director Tony Mazzola announced his departure yesterday, following Ensign’s now former chief of staff John Lopez in a rush to the private sector lifeboats.

 

Proud To Be An American

For every American, the Fourth of July is supposed to be a day to take pride in your nation’s accomplishments. A time to reflect on all the great things the USA has done, to contemplate how lucky you are to be American. A moment to reflect on American supremacy in all things military, and then to blow something up because you can.

Thus, it’s with a pride swelled chest that I relate the fact that the American military has something to be proud of today. After years of walking around with our tails between our legs over Tailhook, the United States no longer has the world’s most shameful naval sex scandal.

Instead, that dubious honor now hangs heavy around the neck of the Australian Navy, whose sordid tales of betting pools around sexual conquests aboard the HMAS Success really take the cake in the realm of tawdry and unbecoming sexual escapades at sea.

Love Boat?

Details of the story are still emerging, but early reports indicate that male sailors had set up a complex system of competition, with cash rewards granted for bedding their female shipmates. Each woman on board was assigned a cash value, reflecting the perceived difficulty of persuading her to make the beast with two backs. But the shameful antics don’t stop there. Further bonuses could be accrued by sailors for having sex in a strange place on the ship, with a higher ranking officer, or with a lesbian – though there’s no word yet on whether these bonus multipliers stacked, Scrabble style, making sex with an officer in an odd place worth even more.

And while the American military may still have some shameful moments in it’s past, we can safely say that none of our soldiers or sailors has ever paid a comrade for having sex with a gay lieutenant on a pool table. That we know of, anyway.

And that’s something I think we can all be proud of.

 

Everyone’s A Little Queer

According to a recent review of research, same sex relationships are recorded among almost every conceivable species of animal. From the lowly fruit fly to dolphins, bonobos, and of course, penguins, it appears that if you watch enough examples of a species for long enough, chances are you’re going to run across one that swings the other way.

Animals seems to begin same sex relationships for different reasons – bottlenose dolphins seem to engage in homosexual antics for the sake of strengthening bonds among members of the same pod, a practice not dissimilar to that exhibited by the common North American frat boy.

Examples of  same sex mating behavior in albatross and penguins, meanwhile, is more often based around the rearing of a young bird that may have lost one or both parents, proving that even in the wilderness, it’s love that makes a family.

But whatever the variety of reasons, the existing scientific evidence seems to bear out that homosexuality is a perfectly normal, if uncommon, sexual behavior in species throughout the animal kingdom. And sure, that fact is unlikely to change the opinions of die hard homophobes. Then again, who gives a damn what they think anyhow?

 

In Which Satellite Imagery Is Kinda Gross

Researchers at the British Antarctic Survey are using novel landmarks to track penguin populations in Antarctica. Using satellite imagery, BAS scientists are able to find the flightless birds breeding colonies by first finding the massive feces stained fields that accompany them. Despite documentary films depicting the penguins lifestyle and overwhelming cuteness, the birds breeding colonies remain hard to find and little researched.

But by following the reddish brown guano trails from space, scientists can finally get a accurate count of just how many penguins make up the emperor penguin breeding colonies and more realistically monitor changes to these populations. The first numbers, although astonishingly preliminary and general, are already in, with ten new colonies discovered by the new mapping procedure. Unfortunately for fans of nature’s most adorable seabird, six existing colonies, all of which were found on the same latitude, have seemingly vanished, hinting at trouble for the birds future.

For more on what’s new with maps and all things mapping related, visit a friend of mine who knows the subject pretty much infinitely better than I do.

 

We Have A Pill For That!

Brand new and exciting medicine for any and every ailment, from cancer to kleptomania! If you’ve got it, chances are we’ve got medicine for it

First up is Provenge, the prostate cancer vaccine that made good this week, prolonging the lives of patients in a clinical trial and making it that much closer to FDA approval. A potentially less toxic cancer treatment radiation and conventional chemo, Provenge isn’t a traditional vaccine either – instead of preventing cancer, it works to activate the body’s immune system, sending white blood cells to pile on malignant prostate cancer cells and send them packing.

This week also saw big news in anaesthetics, from ones designed to save lives to those merely helpful in saving face. Researchers at Children’s Hospital Boston may have turned saxitoxin, the powerful paralytic at play in shellfish poisoning, into a promising next generation painkiller. By packaging the poison in specially engineered fat cells, scientists can turn it into a slow release anaesthetic effective for days at a time that could benefit patients recovering from surgery as well as individuals suffering from chronic pain. Early tests in rats show that the designed fat cells, known as liposomes, trickle saxitoxin into the bloodstream at a safe rate, numbing tissue without damaging surrounding cells.

But chronic pain sufferers aren’t the only ones with reason to rejoice about recent advancements in anasthesia. Men with hair triggers (and presumably their partners) can get excited about PSD502, a topical anaesthetic spray shown in trials to help men suffering from premature ejaculation last as much as 6 times longer in the sack. Just, y’ know – don’t get too excited.

Now stop getting excited and start getting spooked about the prospect of your memories being edited by pharmaceuticals. Scientists at SUNY Downstate in Brooklyn have been working with PKMzeta, a substance that may be among the holy grails of neuroscience –  the molecule responsible for the creation of memories in the brain. After isolating and studying the molecule, researchers injected ZIP, which interferes with PKMzeta, into the brains of rats, who promptly forgot how to avoid shocks as they had been trained for months to do. Substances like ZIP could, theoretically, be used in treating trauma, addiction and Alzheimer’s disease in humans. Of course, they could also be put to about a billion and one thoroughly malevolent purposes.

Speaking of chemical treatments for addiction, an existing one, naltrexone, looks to be branching out. Used for years in the treatment of alcoholism, it appears that naltrexone may also be effective in treating other compulsive behaviors, including kleptomania. In a study at the University of Minnesota, researchers have found that naltrexone, an opioid antagonist, dulls the giddy rush that accompanies petty theft and that is so hard to give up for many kleptomania sufferers, effectively neutering the urge to steal because it feels good.

But with all of these staggering medical advances, the plague of fir tree lung remains treatable only by surgery. So far.

 

Marching One By One

As Gavin Rossdale most famously pointed out, it’s the little things that kill. Perhaps nothing will drive home that point like the news that stolen ant pupae raised as slaves by slave maker ants may not be the downtrodden, beaten examples of antdom they were once though of as.

According to New Scientist, the slave ants, which are kidnapped and raised as workers in a new colony spend much of their time working diligently to bring the place down from the inside. The enslaved workers feed and care for the young of the colony that kidnapped them, but they also kill as many as two thirds of queen larvae and female workers, the creatures that conduct the raids on other colonies.

In other ant news, a team of researchers has confirmed that Mycocepurus smithii, an Amazonian ant species, has evolved into an all female species. The ants, who reproduce asexually and are genetically identical to the queen that produced them, have evolved to the point that traditional breeding would be impossible, due to degenerated sexual organs.

 

Love Is In The Air

Spring has sprung, and that means that flowers, hay fever and romance are all in full bloom. This spring also means that the headlines of the past few days have been replete with stories about the science of love, starting with the fact that the most romantic of notions, love at first sight, may have a genetic basis. According to a study at Cornell University, female fruit flies are genetically primed to know which potential mates are more genetically compatible, and respond better to courtship from males that are more likely to produce healthy offspring. Not only can the flies seemingly sense which males would make better partners, they produce more offspring from these couplings than when they breed with less preferred males.

Scientists at Cornell aren’t the only ones closely examining the intimate moments of drosophilia this week. Researchers at Oxford University took a look at the darker side of fruit fly romance, discovering that, when faced with rivals for a females attention, male fruit flies can release chemicals that make females less sexually active. While certainly not as awww-inducing as a genetic basis for love at first sight, this ‘If I can’t have her, no one can,’ brand of courtship provides at least as much insight into the evolution of sexual behavior.

The evolutionary basis for the dinner date  may have gotten some clarification this week too, as researchers looked more closely at the exchange of meat for sex among groups of chimpanzees. While it has been long known that male chimps traded meat to sexually receptive females for sexual favors, the seemingly altruistic habit of also giving meat to females who are not receptive has been less well understood. According to researchers from the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, charity is, unsurprisingly, not at work here. It turns out the chimps are simply paying it forward, with males who share the spoils of their hunts being favored by females long after the gift of food had been made. Still unclear, however, is just where the entertainment portion of the traditional date is hiding in our genetic structure.

One thing that has been found tucked away in the human genome is CATSPER1, a genetic abnormality that University of Iowa researchers think is responsible for some cases of male infertility. While understanding this abnormality could help scientists treat some forms of male infertility, the more groundbreaking notion is that a little tinkering with CATSPER1 could open the door to the development of the safe and effective male contraceptive that has so far eluded modern medicine in the 4 decades following the introduction of female birth control.

And finally, from the BBC’s science department comes this news: blowjobs are out, but heavy petting is in. Take whatever you want from that.