Police in Uganda have uncovered a the best part of any convent’s garden – the acre of marijuana.

According to the BBC, two nuns and two porters at the convent have been questioned, with local media reporting that one of the nuns claims the illicit crop was used to treat the pigs and other animals raised at the convent. Which is pretty much the oldest scam in the book.

“Oh, wow, officer, I didn’t even realize that was pot. I just use it to treat my pig’s…porcine…glaucoma…and such.”

Sure it sounds like a good story when it’s coming out of your mouth, but that tired old line has never worked for anyone, short of divine intervention of some…

Oh, I see what you did there.

Wondering what the Library of Congress has been getting up to recently? The answer is as follows: Very Important Things! Like making sure everything everyone ever puts on Twitter will be archived for posterity, guaranteeing that the philosophical musings of Russian spambots and records of where you ate lunch yesterday will be forever preserved for the edification of future generations.

Next up to be archived in the hallowed halls of America’s most storied library, the notes you passed in 8th grade math class and every dirty limerick anyone has ever written on a bathroom wall.

An earthquake struck (pretty much any place on the goddamn planet) today, killing (number) and leaving countless others without access to (basic supply or substance necessary to life) and trapped beneath tons of (synonym for rubble). Scientists attribute the quake to (fact about geology or thing God is angry with us for). Donations to victims can be sent to (url for website that is almost certainly a fraud).

Who is the planet furious at now? China, come on down!

Dear Justice John Paul Stevens,

Thank you very much for holding out for probably about eight more years than you actually wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice. Your refusal to retire, or for that matter die, during the Bush administration, a pair of options that so many of us considered without nearly as good reasons as you had during those dark times, is a beacon to us all.

Though being a Cubs fan probably helped to prepare you for a decade of senseless disappointment and near-constant sorrow, staying on the Court until you are damned near 90 so that your replacement by an arch conservative will not drastically unbalance the bench and the nation for a generation to come is conduct above and beyond the call of duty, and your nation owes you a debt of gratitude.

Now you go enjoy the fuck out of your retirement, good sir. God knows you’ve earned it.

Saturn’s moon Mimas has long been beloved by nerds the world over for having a crater that makes it look almost unsettlingly like the Death Star. Granted, it has also been feared because of this, just because you never know, but mostly feelings on Mimas range from indifference to downright adoration.

It was only this week that we learned that Mimas is even dorkier than anyone suspected, harboring cosmic homages to not just one, but two nerd legends. While the Death Star dominates the outward terrain of Mimas, it’s real nerd cred lies just below the surface. When NASA’s Cassini spacecraft turned it’s thermal imaging capabilities on Mimas, it revealed the following photograph:

That’s right – the heat distribution on Mimas–courtesy of it’s vast underground shoggoth empire–renders thermal images of the moon the spitting image of our own hero, Pac-Man. This fact is not only awesome but scientifically relevant, explaining at long last why the peculiar, angular orbit of Mimas keeps it so far from Saturn’s other moons: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.

We’ve seen robots that can solve Rubik’s cubes before, so frankly, it’s going to take something pretty special in that realm to impress us.

Like one made of Legos that looks like a futuristic torture device of some kind and solves a random cube in under 11 seconds while also inducing seizures with it’s garish display of flashing lights.

Yeah, that would probably do it.

New startup Gamecrush is bucking the stereotype of video-gamers as reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements, wholly incapable of engaging a human female in conversation.

Instead, Gamecrush is betting that gamers are a bunch of reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements and will pay through the nose for the opportunity to engage a woman in conversation, as long as that conversation takes place while playing video games online and includes the word “pwned” at some point.

Members of Gamecrush fall into two categories, both of which manage to somehow make the very concept of paid sex chat even less dignified – Players, the men who pay for the privilege of engaging in private chat sessions with Playdates, women who are paid by Gamecrush to chat up legions of lonely FPS fans during rounds of play.

Meant only for totally mature individuals over the age of 18, chat sessions can be set to Flirty or Dirty, though exactly how one would get dirtier in these sessions than during an average round of Modern Warfare 2 stretches the imagination to a point where the senses reel and the mind begs for mercy.

Update: The link is not broken, the site is just down due to massive public response to the first Beta offering. In related news, we are all fucking doomed.

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