Police in Uganda have uncovered a the best part of any convent’s garden – the acre of marijuana.

According to the BBC, two nuns and two porters at the convent have been questioned, with local media reporting that one of the nuns claims the illicit crop was used to treat the pigs and other animals raised at the convent. Which is pretty much the oldest scam in the book.

“Oh, wow, officer, I didn’t even realize that was pot. I just use it to treat my pig’s…porcine…glaucoma…and such.”

Sure it sounds like a good story when it’s coming out of your mouth, but that tired old line has never worked for anyone, short of divine intervention of some…

Oh, I see what you did there.

Wondering what the Library of Congress has been getting up to recently? The answer is as follows: Very Important Things! Like making sure everything everyone ever puts on Twitter will be archived for posterity, guaranteeing that the philosophical musings of Russian spambots and records of where you ate lunch yesterday will be forever preserved for the edification of future generations.

Next up to be archived in the hallowed halls of America’s most storied library, the notes you passed in 8th grade math class and every dirty limerick anyone has ever written on a bathroom wall.

An earthquake struck (pretty much any place on the goddamn planet) today, killing (number) and leaving countless others without access to (basic supply or substance necessary to life) and trapped beneath tons of (synonym for rubble). Scientists attribute the quake to (fact about geology or thing God is angry with us for). Donations to victims can be sent to (url for website that is almost certainly a fraud).

Who is the planet furious at now? China, come on down!

Dear Justice John Paul Stevens,

Thank you very much for holding out for probably about eight more years than you actually wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice. Your refusal to retire, or for that matter die, during the Bush administration, a pair of options that so many of us considered without nearly as good reasons as you had during those dark times, is a beacon to us all.

Though being a Cubs fan probably helped to prepare you for a decade of senseless disappointment and near-constant sorrow, staying on the Court until you are damned near 90 so that your replacement by an arch conservative will not drastically unbalance the bench and the nation for a generation to come is conduct above and beyond the call of duty, and your nation owes you a debt of gratitude.

Now you go enjoy the fuck out of your retirement, good sir. God knows you’ve earned it.

Saturn’s moon Mimas has long been beloved by nerds the world over for having a crater that makes it look almost unsettlingly like the Death Star. Granted, it has also been feared because of this, just because you never know, but mostly feelings on Mimas range from indifference to downright adoration.

It was only this week that we learned that Mimas is even dorkier than anyone suspected, harboring cosmic homages to not just one, but two nerd legends. While the Death Star dominates the outward terrain of Mimas, it’s real nerd cred lies just below the surface. When NASA’s Cassini spacecraft turned it’s thermal imaging capabilities on Mimas, it revealed the following photograph:

That’s right – the heat distribution on Mimas–courtesy of it’s vast underground shoggoth empire–renders thermal images of the moon the spitting image of our own hero, Pac-Man. This fact is not only awesome but scientifically relevant, explaining at long last why the peculiar, angular orbit of Mimas keeps it so far from Saturn’s other moons: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.

We’ve seen robots that can solve Rubik’s cubes before, so frankly, it’s going to take something pretty special in that realm to impress us.

Like one made of Legos that looks like a futuristic torture device of some kind and solves a random cube in under 11 seconds while also inducing seizures with it’s garish display of flashing lights.

Yeah, that would probably do it.

New startup Gamecrush is bucking the stereotype of video-gamers as reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements, wholly incapable of engaging a human female in conversation.

Instead, Gamecrush is betting that gamers are a bunch of reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements and will pay through the nose for the opportunity to engage a woman in conversation, as long as that conversation takes place while playing video games online and includes the word “pwned” at some point.

Members of Gamecrush fall into two categories, both of which manage to somehow make the very concept of paid sex chat even less dignified – Players, the men who pay for the privilege of engaging in private chat sessions with Playdates, women who are paid by Gamecrush to chat up legions of lonely FPS fans during rounds of play.

Meant only for totally mature individuals over the age of 18, chat sessions can be set to Flirty or Dirty, though exactly how one would get dirtier in these sessions than during an average round of Modern Warfare 2 stretches the imagination to a point where the senses reel and the mind begs for mercy.

Update: The link is not broken, the site is just down due to massive public response to the first Beta offering. In related news, we are all fucking doomed.

It’s a commonly accepted tenet of both warfare and gamesmanship that the best defense is a good offense.

This is wrong.

As anyone with any basis in the underlying concepts of space-age warfare can tell you, the best defense is a force field.

But combining defense, like a force field, with offense, like a tank, as the British military is doing right now? Well, that’s just some diabolically clever shit right there.

But will it be a match for the battleship mounted, weapons-grade laser being developed by Boeing right now? Only time will tell.

Well, time and the inevitable Mech War of 2019.

Ah, all the ludicrous shouting, the relentless, ugly hue and cry over health care is behind us. Now, all that’s left is a sober, dignified signing ceremony making a momentous, if imperfect, health care reform bill law. Wait a minute, is that an open mic? NO! Get Biden away… NO GET JOE BIDEN AWAY FROM THAT OPEN MIC RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW!

Ahhh, hell. Too late. Well, it beats the hell out of shouting “Baby Killer!” on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and then making a fundraising video because you’re kind of famous for being a dick now.

What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?

Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*

This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!

*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.

Are you sick of being dumber as an adult than you were as a child? Have faith in science! Researchers at SUNY are hard at work developing a medication that will make your brain work like it did before you hit puberty and and every significant thought you had got drowned out in a sea of worrying about paying the bills and thinking about sex pretty much constantly.

The potential is there to develop a pill that could ease the effect of stress on certain receptors in the brain, increase the ease with which adults and adolescents alike can learn languages and retain information. More importantly, it could improve spatial cognition skills and, thus, video game playing abilities. There is no way that you will be as impressive as the dude playing Contra in this video, though. That’s some straight up Wizard shit.

Guys, check it out – after the week or so of inevitable ‘what does it mean, where do we go from here’ analysis pieces that are due to start inundating every media outlet in America… about ten minutes ago, then we officially won’t have to hear a fucking thing about health care for a little while. So hoo-fucking-ray for that, right? But wait, without health care to rally around, what excuse will protestors have now for yelling the nastiest slurs their pre-cro-mag speech centers can muster at members of Congress? Will we have to return to civil discourse about the important matters of our time? I sure fucking hope not!

Maybe the excuse will be that they are just mean-spirited, bigoted, knuckle draggers conceived of damaged sperm and hate thoughts? This is almost certainly true of the rank and file tea party protestors/haters of socialism/people who don’t quite understand what is going on but are elated that it is finally socially acceptable to shout ‘nigger’ in public. But think of the damage that could be done to American comedy if GOP politicians, chastened and accepting a defeat on this front that relates directly to their refusal to negotiate in good faith at any point in the last year-plus of debates over health care reform, nutted up and started acting like grown ups. Might it be the end of everything funny, ever?

Luckily, it appears that we will never have to worry about finding out, as “Member of the U.S. Congress is apparently one of the last jobs where you can shout “Baby killer” at one of your colleagues and have it be considered acceptable behavior in the office.

And if people shouting ‘Baby Killer’ still runs too mature for your tastes, watch below for the absolutely priceless video of House Minority Leader and King of the Losers John Boehner runs out of ideas completely, and, graciously accepting defeat, shouts until he is red in the face, pooping himself a little bit and nearly crying like a little girl on the floor of the House of Representatives.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! There was a time when these guys beat the hell out of each other with metal canes for less than this, and cheered one another on for it, and now this is the best they can do, because they are a bunch of petulant, bitchy, useless fucking children .The takeaway here is that health care reform, even imperfect health care reform, is good, and Republicans these days are shit-talking little sissy bitches. Especially John Boehner.

Next Page »