Almost As Much Hate on Stage As A Simon And Garfunkel Reunion

While the Bold & Fresh Tour 2010 sounds like a harmless ad campaign for some spectacular detergent, it is actually something far more sinister – a meeting of the minds crafted of pure evil. When Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly take the stage together, it will be the like the Flintstones meet the Jetsons, except if every character in those beloved cartoons had a black heart wrought of cold iron that pumped nothing save venomous bile and existed only to perpetuate an infinite variety of sufferings on every human being on the planet.

As to who gets to be bold and who remains merely fresh in this pairing,we can only guess. Also a mystery is which two fine young gentlemen will play the parts of Beck and O’Reilly in the inevitable series of astonishingly deviant gay porn films (The Bod & Flesh Tour, 2010, 2011, Spring Break, etc.) that is sure to be the closest thing to a wholesome result of this tour.

And while it doesn’t seem like that much pure, conecntrated loathing for humanity in one place could possibly be a good idea, keep in mind one thing. Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck will be on a bus. Together. Several times. So join me, if you will, in a prayer to a departed hero – Ghost of Cliff Burton, we beseech thee to work thy dark ways. Never has you nation needed you more.

 

Glenn Beck, Please Turn In Your ‘Human Being’ Credentials Now, Thanks

Here is an Interesting Fact for you: When Bill O’Reilly asked L0u Dobbs with no sense of irony at all “Is Barack Obama the Devil?” last night, it was not the worst thing said by a proto-human on Fox News last night!

That honor goes to the cretinous, malformed troglodyte known as Glenn Beck,  for comparing health care reform to child rape, because what a ha-ha funny joke that is, right?

Wow, the American public is just like that girl that Roman Polanski raped. I guess I never saw it that way because I am not a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER. But yeah, I guess if I was Glenn Beck, and was thus WORSE THAN A BILLION SERIAL KILLERS, then yeah, I would think that rape jokes are hilarious.

 

Fox News Anchors Worldwide Poop Themselves In Fury, Consternation

Hey, everybody, remember that day that Barack Obama won a kind of ridiculous Nobel Peace Prize mostly for being Barack Obama and then every conservative pundit everywhere forever had the biggest shit fit in the history of space-time? The day that Michelle Bachmann got so agitated that she revealed her true reptiloid self on the floor of the House of Representatives and Glenn Beck had a LITERAL FUCKING ANEURYSM on live TV and is was the funniest thing ever and we all laughed and no one was sad, not even a little bit?

Oh wait, you cannot remember that yet because it all happens later today. Trust me though, it is seriously hilarious stuff!

Michael Steele is already calling the award “unfortunate,” but really, has anyone taken the Nobel Peace Prize seriously since they handed one to Henry Kissinger, who is, if you’ll recall, history’s greatest monster?

Remember also that awarding US Presidents Nobel Peace Prizes for pretty much nothing is a time honored tradition. Hell, Woodrow Wilson got one for forming the League of Nations. The League of Nations was a fucking joke! It was like the UN, but it was less effective and they actually made everyone walk around in clown shoes and squeaky red noses.

But please, conservative pundits everywhere: go ahead and make a big thing of this even though it’s really not and commence your incoherent shouting…now.

 

No One Likes You, Glenn Beck

Kudos to Procter and Gamble, ConAgra and Progressive Insurance, just some of the advertisers who have bailed on racist crybaby shitbag Glenn Beck in the past few days as advertisers evacuate the show like rats off a sinking racist crybaby shitbag. Of course,considering that they’re caught between people boycotting companies who leave continue advertising with Beck and people boycotting companies who pull their advertising from the show, it’s something of a lose-lose situation.

But if you’re going to take flack for giving money to a hateful, idiot wingnut and not giving money to the same wingnut, you’ve got to give credit to the folks who will take the hit for not being associated with him, right? I mean, sure, it’s sad that this is how little we’ve come to expect in the way of corporate accountability these days. The  again, I’ll take what I can get.

 

In Which Glenn Beck Is Actually Entertaining, Albeit Briefly

Glenn Beck freakout remix, featuring the local boys concerns over the all too real vampire problem we have here in the Pacific Northwest.

Thanks to Crooks and Liars for this.