This Is Not The PR You’re Looking For

Now that the cat is pretty well out of the bag on the ‘Wall Street is Evil’ thing, it appears that stockbrokers are just kind of running with that image. For example, this morning, the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, the Temple Mount of American finance was rung by none other than the iconic face of evil for a generation, Lord Vader himself. Because they could think of no better way to make the world of finance seem decent than by associating it with one of the greatest villains in the history of fiction. Whose history as a manager includes letting the biggest project he was ever entrusted with blow up? Twice? This is who you want people to think of when they think of American finance?

I mean, I’m all for giving props to Star Wars, but you couldn’t have called in Chewie to be the face of the franchise? There were no Alec Guiness look alikes available on such short notice? No? Okay.

 

Pennsylvania – Chill Out!

It's A Trap!

As the holiday season bears mercilessly down on us, we bring you news of things to worry about that you did not even know you needed to worry about.

You are welcome!

Today’s thing to be afraid of for the holidays is Wrap Rage. That is when you get so frustrated at opening a difficult to open package that you flip out and wound yourself. Because… that happens, apparently?

It totally does! According to a recent poll, 17% of adult Pennsylvanians have either hurt themselves or know someone who has hurt themselves while opening Christmas gifts. And most of them have seen this terror happen more than once! Truly, this Wrap Rage is a scourge upon the land!

In related news, 17% of adults Pennsylvanians are either total morons or know someone who is.

 

When Animals Attack Science

The latest problem to crop up unexpectedly at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider? A bird dropped a piece of bread on some machinery outside of it, causing significant overheating. For those of you playing along at home, this means the most sensitive and advanced piece of scientific equipment ever known to man is not only vulnerable to terrorists – it can’t even protect itself from pigeons.

The collider wasn’t operational at the time, because that would have required the collider to be operational at some point, but if it had been working when it was attacked by the highly advanced warfare of a bird carrying some bread, fail safes would have shut it down.

 

At what point do we give up and just turn this thing into the world's biggest, coolest Laser Tag arena?

 

Remember though – its distinctly possible this bird was a double agent, dispatched by the folks at ConCERNed to stop the LHC before it kills us all. They have a lawsuit alleging that turning the machine on is a violation of the human rights of the entire world coming before the UN, but I think we all know how effective the UN is in these matters. Could it be that ConCERNed is using an army of trained animals to covertly take matters into it’s own hands?

Hey, it’s not the least likely theory on why the LHC remains broke-ass down. That would be the recently published paper on how the collider is being sabotaged. From the future. By God. Which, it turns out, actually may not be as crazy as it sounds.

Though in all fairness: It’s really hard for anything to be as crazy as that sounds.

 

In Which We Find Out Who Has The Nuclear Launch Codes, And It Is Scarier Than Imagined

What does it take to get fired from the Air Force for gross incompetence? A damned lot, that’s what.

Maybe the nuclear bomber wing under you command failing a safety inspection would do it? Nah, probably not.

Perhaps if officers under your command fell asleep at the switch while in possession of nuclear weapon launch codes, that would be enough to get you canned?

But when a truck full of parts for the 150 intercontinental ballistic missiles loaded with nuclear warheads that you are responsible for goes off the road and tips the hell over because the driver saw a bug? Well, that, sir, is a bridge too far. That is the point at which the military deems you are no longer trustworthy of being in command of hundreds upon hundreds iterations of the most powerful and horrific weapon mankind has ever known.

Colonel Christopher Ayres, we will say good day to you, sir.

It’s really good to know that the military has a three strikes policy on fucking clowns running commanding legions of nuclear weapons. Because really, what could go wrong those first two times?

 

In Which World War II Is Referenced In A Variety Of Asinine Manners

While nations across the world marked the 70th anniversary of World War II, Bush apologist and Rumsfeld groupie Victor David Hanson used his National Review column to ask the question that was on absolutely nobody’s mind  – Was WWII ultimately worth it? His perhaps surprising answer? A strong maybe.

But thanks to German AIDS awareness group Regenbogen e.V., that’s not the dumbest piece of WWII related news this week. The group is responsible for what purports to be an AIDS awareness commercial supporting their “AIDS is a mass murder” campaign that is actually a steamy sex tape which is totally hot until you realize the dude in it is totally Adolf Hitler. Who is…apparently giving someone AIDS? I guess. Anyway, not cool, Regenbogen e.V.! Now I’ve got a half stack over history’s greatest monster! How am I supposed to be okay with that?

“The campaign is designed to shake people up… Because anyone can become infected,” states the Regenbogen website. Even Hitler. And also, according to their accompanying posters, Sadaam Hussein and Stalin. The message that the group, which is totally not trying to be controversial for the sake of directing publicity towards themselves, comes through loud and clear – people with AIDS are evil and genocidal. And have facial hair. But mostly are evil.

 

HealthBase Has A Jewish Problem

Research firm Netbase wants to reinvent the way people search with their fancy new brand of semantic search.

Their website makes some heady claims, including this one:

Our Content Intelligence platform is able to read every sentence inside documents, linguistically understand the content and enable breakthrough search experiences.

Sounds pretty impressive, right? You would think, then, that their newly launched health care research tool, Healthbase, which is meant to be a showcase for their technology, would be reasonably intelligent, capable of parsing words in a variety of different contexts and retrieving meaningful, relevant data.

And, like Leena Rao of TechCrunch, you would be pretty surprised when Healthbase informed you that one of the leading causes of AIDS is “Jew.”

It’s a pretty serious gaffe, and just one of many you can read about in the comments on Rao’s piece, which basically turned into a blooper reel for the young search engine. But if HealthBase has a problem with ‘Jew,’ no worries. It can probably be treated with one of the standard remedies for Jew provided by the site. Like wine, course (sic) salt or Dr. Pepper.

That said, the site isn’t entirely unwise. When queried about treatments for “old age,” it provided some astonishingly frank advice about the condition, recommending medications like marijuana and cocaine.

Works for me.

 

Yup, We’re Boned

Who is America’s front line defense against the swine flu pandemic?

Legions of underpaid, overworked school nurses who are often responsible for overseeing the health of hundreds or thousands of children on their own.

I don’t know about you, but the knowledge that the most serious potential health crisis in recent history will be managed on the ground by a group of people who, in my experience, find it vexing to administer care for injuries related to falling off the monkey bars makes me feel safer already.

 

In Which The Evergreen State Goes Nutty Cuckoo

For those who aren’t aware, I have been a Washingtonian for long enough that, aside from a few loyalties in the sporting world that are so deeply ingrained and despair inducing that they can safely be considered genetic disorders, I have pretty much gone native. It’s a mostly laid back corner of the country, which suits me just fine, because I tend to be a fairly tense sort of chap, and the green and grey backdrop and relaxed atmosphere cut that just enough that I’m not intolerable to those around me. For the most part.

Which is why it was a touch off putting to hear material concerning my mostly sleepy state all over the news today, starting with the big business story of the day out of Redmond. Microsoft and Yahoo have finally consumated their on again romance, and like so many drawn out courtships, the moment of truth was a touch anti-climatic. Microsoft, unsurprisingly, gets the sweet end of the deal, with Yahoo bowing out of search and to handle advertising sales as Microsoft takes over search and data analysis for both companies, with the recently launched bing powering Yahoo searches from here on out. And while the deal moves Microsoft into the clear number two position in the  search industry, it’s a distant number two, in which the competition, whose name is synonymous with finding information online, has a stranglehold on 70% of the market.

In other words, Microsoft is right now in the best position it’s ever going to be in to challenge Google’s online search and advertising supremacy. But with the Chrome OS launching in just a few months on netbooks, Google is giving as good as it gets. And if this thing turns into a two front war for domination of operating system software and online technology, I’d put my money on the more nimble young ‘un from Santa Clara County.

And while Steve Ballmer and company might not be at the top of their game, they’re still faring better than the killer whales of the Puget Sound. Harassment by whale watching vessels looking to give tourists that perfect close up is hampering efforts to help the regions fragile orca population recover, so federal regulators are proposing doubling the distance that pleasure boats must stay away from the whales to 200 yards. Which is a nice thought, until you realize that the main problem seems to stem from ships that are not obeying the current guideline that aims to keep a 100 yard barrier between whales and whale watchers. With that in mind, it’s hard to see how doubling a barrier that no one is acknowledging helps preserve orca populations.

Shane Aggergaard, who heads the Pacific Whale Watch Association, a group of whale watch tour companies throughout Washington and British Columbia, may have demonstrated the attitude of tourism companies earlier today, when said in an interview with KUOW that “…we love to educate people regarding these animals so they can further protect them. It will be much more difficult to do that at 200 yards…” Again, this sounds good until you think about it – it’s more or less like arguing that we can’t outlaw shooting people in the face, because if we do, then how will people know that being shot in the face is a terrible, terrible thing?

And oh yeah, the anarchists are up in arms in the Evergreen State, as the anti-war organization Olympia Port Militarization Resistance accused a civilian employee of Washington’s Fort Lewis of COINTELPRO style shenanigans. The group, made up of members of groups like Students for a Democratic Society, Wobblies and self styled anarchists claim that a man going by the name John  Towery posed as an anarchist for two years, reporting back to military sources on the groups members and planned activities, such as staging port blockades.

And as these so called anarchists try to peacefully resist and do some good in the world, 38 year old Jeff Monson is keeping it real, doing all the things a good lone wolf anarchist should do. Like cage fighting. And spray painting anarchy symbols on the state capitol building. And then posing with the graffiti for ESPN The Magazine.

But hey, it could be weirder, I guess. I could live in Alabama, where they taser deaf people, don’t they?

And oh, yeah – Dave Reichert is an idiot and a jerk – more on that tomorrow.

 

Tournament of Hearts

Look, I know that the global economy is tough, and when things get this hairy, some people are naturally going to turn to crime. But seriously, who the hell steals a truckload of curling stones? Is there a big market for smooth granite rocks of a regulation weight out there that I don’t know about?

Honestly, I kind of hope there is, because otherwise whoever stole fully one third of the Australian national teams curling stone is just a jerk and an idiot. Or a… rabid anti-curling fanatic? An embittered former sweeper?

But as stupid and spiteful the dumbest criminal in Australia this week – that dubious honor goes to Ronald Mitchell, the Nobel Prize hopeful who soaked himself in gasoline before charging at police, who proceeded to taser the suspect, thereby setting him ablaze. Which, all things considered, isn’t exactly a tragedy. I mean yeah, it sucks that the guy burst into flames, but in all of our lives, we make some choices that we know may get us set on fire. Huffing a bunch of gas, then pouring it over yourself, and then running at a cop with a lighter in your hand is one of those choices. C’est la vie.

 

In Which The Dogs Are Not Yet Called Off

Hey, everybody – Mark Sanford really thinks it’s time to move forward and discuss things other than the whole “multiple affairs over a span of years, occasionally on the taxpayers dime” thing.

Seriously, guys – he feels really bad about it. And like he says, who hasn’t made a mistake in their life, right? So let’s just all  stop making the governor feel awkward about the fact that he’s apparently not wearing his wedding ring anymore (video here at Snackfeed) and get back to the business of governing.

Please?

After all, as Mark reminds us, “all of our walks in life are on a daily basis.”

Except, of course, getting an Argentinian former newscaster into bed. That shit can take years.

 

In Which The End Is Upon… Not Us, But Someone At Least

Despite referring to revelations of his years of dalliances as his funeral (a comparison that’s no end of creepy in it’s own right) Mark Sanford’s editorial in South Carolina newspaper The State ultimately reads like a document written by a guy who seems to think he still has a political career left after this.

It’s almost sad, you know?

And by sad, I of course mean really, really, funny.

You had a good run, Governor Sanford, and if things had turned out differently, you could have been a contender. Instead of a bum. Which is what you are.

It’s time to exit stage left, Mark -we have some lovely parting gifts for you, and someone will be around with your car shortly.

 

In Which Big Brother Throws His Weight Around

Kindle owners beware – that electronic copy of a book you thought you purchased and, thus, owned? Not so much.

As it turns out, the publishers to whom Amazon is so beholden for Kindle content still own the content. That’s why they can decide at a whim to give you back your money and have your copies of books erased from your digital device without notifying you until the deed is already done.

That’s what happened to hundreds of Kindle owners who thought they had purchased safe, legal copies of George Orwell’s novels 1984 and Animal Farm. Copies of these novels were erased from Kindles under cover of darkness last night. This morning, Amazon sent affected users a form e-mail, noting that there had been a “problem” with their digital copies of the book and crediting their Kindle store accounts, the digital equivalent of a “Had a nice time, call you soon”  note left on the end table by someone slinking out of a one night stand.

The gall of invading peoples privacy  this way aside, Amazon’s caginess on the matter sets a troubling precedent for similar issues in the future, as does their refusal to define just what the “problem” with the books was. Were they riven with typos? Were they illegal copies, and if so what were they doing on the Kindle store in the first place? Were they alternate texts that were never meant to see the light of day – a copy of 1984, for example, that culminates in Winston Smith’s flamethrower rampage through the heart of London?

Why, in other words, is it okay to access and erase user data without notification or permission, but out of bounds to discuss why it was done?