The Sporting Life

Not to be confused with the Stanley Cup of Liberty or the Wrestlemania of Emancipation, the Super Bowl of Freedom is coming up. What exactly a bunch of right wing whack jobs from Virginia, their gonads bursting with the gubernatorial victory of a sociopath who views women in the workforce as iron clad proof of Satan’s work here on Earth, descending upon the nation’s capitolgnashing their teeth and shouting “SOCIALISM! SOCIALISM! THERE”S A COLORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE! SOMETHING ABOUT A HEALTH CARE PLAN I DON”T REALLY UNDERSTAND! MY TAXES! SOCIALISM!!!” at every elected official they turn their bloodshot eyes on has to do with the high holiday of professional sports in the US. Then again, if you’re practicing the politics of free association like Michelle Bachmann, you don’t really think about these comparisons before you make them – words just kind of come out of your mouth and then you punctuate them by shouting “Freedom!” Or you just howl, “Fly, my pretties!” and wingnut conservatives start shrieking and throwing feces everywhere, though that is ultimately a short ride from their natural state.

The title does tell us a couple of important things about the tenor of the event, though. It will be heavily hyped but probably not really that entertaining. It will steal the media spotlight for like a week despite actually meaning fuck all in the lives of most Americans. It will be heavily subsidized by corporate interests intent on getting their own message across. And, with perhaps the most potential for entertainment, a key player will be arrested or mysteriously disappear just before everything goes down. Anyone want to take bets on who? And speaking of bets, if it’s the Super Bowl, what’s the spread on a confused old woman striking Alan Grayson repeatedly with her purse?

 

Women: So Long As You Must Have Votes, Which Is Disgusting, The GOP Would Like Some of Them, Please

Michelle Bachmann thinks the GOP is peeling away female voters from the Democratic party, mostly courtesy of herslf and fellow barely-connected-to-reality-as-we-understand-it conservative superstar Sarah Palin. But they’re not the only ones on the right working overtime to win female votes.

For example, the NRCC is hoping that Gen. Stanley McChrystal puts House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “in her place” – which is, of course, barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen, where she will presumably be less able to transform the USA into a socialist dystopia where abortions are mandatory and sociology professors wander the streets urinating on and burning religious symbols. Because she is an enemy of the Constitution, and it is up to Paul Broun to stop her. And also, Louisiana Senator David Vitter and 29 other GOP Senators are doing their damndest to deny victims of sexual assault their day in court, so… that is two ways the GOP are big fans of women. Maybe there is one more?

Oh yes, there is National Review columnist and conservative pundit John Derbyshire who thinks that giving women the vote was the worst thing to happen to this country since anything else ever. While he grumpily concedes that they probably should have the right to vote, if it’s bad for the country and all, maybe women should just stop trying to have a say in stuff and stay home to make babies and dinner for their menfolk like God intended?

That’s right, ladies.

 

In Which Being A Lardass Is Now A Basic Human Right

Oh, shit! Mad Prophet of the House of Representatves Michelle Bachmann is ontoPresident Obama’s secret EVIL socialist plot to put every American on an EVIL COMMUNIST DIET consisting only of stale bread, poisoned water and hate. 

Now America’s favorite one woman liberal blog post machine is spreading damnable lies about how the machine like bureaucratic government will control what we eat and how many calories we consume in a day, conjuring specters of bread lines and rationing that terrify her constitents in Minnesota, which during the winter already pretty well resembles the Russian tundra. It also instills completely reasonable fear in the heart of every American who understands that being able to cram deep fried tacos down your gullet at will underpins every one of our constitutional rights

Of course, Bachmann’s fears are ridiculous. While food will be rationed under the coming Socialist Dystopia of America, these rations will be plentiful, and everyone will be able to eat their fill once all of our grandparents and down syndrome babies and Kanye West have been rounded up and processed  into a thick, nutritive paste.

 

Michelle Bachmann Wants To Kill Your Grandma

Census fearing, Hawaii hating Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann doesn’t think your grandparents deserve health care.

Bachmann, who’s still waiting on God to tell her to run for president in 2012, was on ‘The Hannity’ the other night, and amid  her usual stream of bat shit crazy nonsense was the following little gem:

“[I]t is not within our power as members of Congress, it’s not within the enumerated powers of the Constitution for us to design and create a national takeover of health care. Nor is it within our ability to be able to delegate that responsibility to the executive.”

Let’s put aside for a moment the fact that Bachmann is completely up her ass on this statement, since the Constitution charges Congress in the Preamble to “promote the general welfare” of the nation.

Bachmann’s statement implies that any sort of government funded or mandated health care is fundamentally illegal and should be abolished. Which means, of course, that Medicare should be done away with right now, and all of those seniors who depend on it for their health care should be thrown out in the street to die.

Patriotically, of course.