Ah, all the ludicrous shouting, the relentless, ugly hue and cry over health care is behind us. Now, all that’s left is a sober, dignified signing ceremony making a momentous, if imperfect, health care reform bill law. Wait a minute, is that an open mic? NO! Get Biden away… NO GET JOE BIDEN AWAY FROM THAT OPEN MIC RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW!

Ahhh, hell. Too late. Well, it beats the hell out of shouting “Baby Killer!” on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and then making a fundraising video because you’re kind of famous for being a dick now.

What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?

Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*

This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!

*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.

Guys, check it out – after the week or so of inevitable ‘what does it mean, where do we go from here’ analysis pieces that are due to start inundating every media outlet in America… about ten minutes ago, then we officially won’t have to hear a fucking thing about health care for a little while. So hoo-fucking-ray for that, right? But wait, without health care to rally around, what excuse will protestors have now for yelling the nastiest slurs their pre-cro-mag speech centers can muster at members of Congress? Will we have to return to civil discourse about the important matters of our time? I sure fucking hope not!

Maybe the excuse will be that they are just mean-spirited, bigoted, knuckle draggers conceived of damaged sperm and hate thoughts? This is almost certainly true of the rank and file tea party protestors/haters of socialism/people who don’t quite understand what is going on but are elated that it is finally socially acceptable to shout ‘nigger’ in public. But think of the damage that could be done to American comedy if GOP politicians, chastened and accepting a defeat on this front that relates directly to their refusal to negotiate in good faith at any point in the last year-plus of debates over health care reform, nutted up and started acting like grown ups. Might it be the end of everything funny, ever?

Luckily, it appears that we will never have to worry about finding out, as “Member of the U.S. Congress is apparently one of the last jobs where you can shout “Baby killer” at one of your colleagues and have it be considered acceptable behavior in the office.

And if people shouting ‘Baby Killer’ still runs too mature for your tastes, watch below for the absolutely priceless video of House Minority Leader and King of the Losers John Boehner runs out of ideas completely, and, graciously accepting defeat, shouts until he is red in the face, pooping himself a little bit and nearly crying like a little girl on the floor of the House of Representatives.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! There was a time when these guys beat the hell out of each other with metal canes for less than this, and cheered one another on for it, and now this is the best they can do, because they are a bunch of petulant, bitchy, useless fucking children .The takeaway here is that health care reform, even imperfect health care reform, is good, and Republicans these days are shit-talking little sissy bitches. Especially John Boehner.

I know everybody is concerned today with whether or not health care will make it through Congress,but since it looks like that is pretty much a wrap, we should turn our thoughts to something that’s truly important. Namely, that the Nobel Committee doesn’t award a prize for General Awesomeness. If they did, the guy who lovingly crafted this one-of-a-kind pinball machine dedicated to the work of Bill Paxton would have won that prize. Hands down. And for about the next thousand years. Video after the break.

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How bad will all of our lives get if the current health care reform bill passes? According to Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA), they will be really, really bad! The country will be torn apart, brother will turn against brother, and the streets will run red with blood. It will be pretty much the worst thing to happen since the Greta War of Yankee Aggression.
For those of you who are curious, The Great War of Yankee Aggression is generally referred to as The Civil War in states that are not represented in Congress by brain dead cracker filth like Paul Broun.


Man, passing health care reform is hard. And we all know that if something is hard, it’s not worth doing, even if you’ve spent pretty much all your political capital and thrown all your credibility behind needing to get it done. Because it’s hard, and things that are hard are terrible!

You know what’s easy though? Quitting! Quitting is super fucking easy – all you have to do is forget that you ever had any reason for doing what you were doing, and then stop doing it the second it gets difficult. Which is exactly why Nancy Pelosi has essentially thrown in the towel on health care reform this morning. If the votes aren’t there this morning, they’re just not going to be there, which means reform just went from being on life support to dead as disco.

Congratulations, Democrats – the time came for a party wide gut check, and you had the chance to show us what you’re really made of. Which, I suppose, is exactly what you did.

For those who are curious, here are is a primer on the new Senate rules regarding oaths, as related by noted philanderer John Ensign.

Times to Remember A Solemn Oath You Took: While obstructing legislation for the purpose of political gain.

Times to Forget A Solemn Oath You Took: While stepping out on your wife to nail a member of your campaign staff, who is in turn married to one of your senior aides.

There will be a test on this material later.