Ah, all the ludicrous shouting, the relentless, ugly hue and cry over health care is behind us. Now, all that’s left is a sober, dignified signing ceremony making a momentous, if imperfect, health care reform bill law. Wait a minute, is that an open mic? NO! Get Biden away… NO GET JOE BIDEN AWAY FROM THAT OPEN MIC RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW!

Ahhh, hell. Too late. Well, it beats the hell out of shouting “Baby Killer!” on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and then making a fundraising video because you’re kind of famous for being a dick now.

What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?

Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*

This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!

*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.

Guys, check it out – after the week or so of inevitable ‘what does it mean, where do we go from here’ analysis pieces that are due to start inundating every media outlet in America… about ten minutes ago, then we officially won’t have to hear a fucking thing about health care for a little while. So hoo-fucking-ray for that, right? But wait, without health care to rally around, what excuse will protestors have now for yelling the nastiest slurs their pre-cro-mag speech centers can muster at members of Congress? Will we have to return to civil discourse about the important matters of our time? I sure fucking hope not!

Maybe the excuse will be that they are just mean-spirited, bigoted, knuckle draggers conceived of damaged sperm and hate thoughts? This is almost certainly true of the rank and file tea party protestors/haters of socialism/people who don’t quite understand what is going on but are elated that it is finally socially acceptable to shout ‘nigger’ in public. But think of the damage that could be done to American comedy if GOP politicians, chastened and accepting a defeat on this front that relates directly to their refusal to negotiate in good faith at any point in the last year-plus of debates over health care reform, nutted up and started acting like grown ups. Might it be the end of everything funny, ever?

Luckily, it appears that we will never have to worry about finding out, as “Member of the U.S. Congress is apparently one of the last jobs where you can shout “Baby killer” at one of your colleagues and have it be considered acceptable behavior in the office.

And if people shouting ‘Baby Killer’ still runs too mature for your tastes, watch below for the absolutely priceless video of House Minority Leader and King of the Losers John Boehner runs out of ideas completely, and, graciously accepting defeat, shouts until he is red in the face, pooping himself a little bit and nearly crying like a little girl on the floor of the House of Representatives.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! There was a time when these guys beat the hell out of each other with metal canes for less than this, and cheered one another on for it, and now this is the best they can do, because they are a bunch of petulant, bitchy, useless fucking children .The takeaway here is that health care reform, even imperfect health care reform, is good, and Republicans these days are shit-talking little sissy bitches. Especially John Boehner.

I know everybody is concerned today with whether or not health care will make it through Congress,but since it looks like that is pretty much a wrap, we should turn our thoughts to something that’s truly important. Namely, that the Nobel Committee doesn’t award a prize for General Awesomeness. If they did, the guy who lovingly crafted this one-of-a-kind pinball machine dedicated to the work of Bill Paxton would have won that prize. Hands down. And for about the next thousand years. Video after the break.


How bad will all of our lives get if the current health care reform bill passes? According to Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA), they will be really, really bad! The country will be torn apart, brother will turn against brother, and the streets will run red with blood. It will be pretty much the worst thing to happen since the Greta War of Yankee Aggression.
For those of you who are curious, The Great War of Yankee Aggression is generally referred to as The Civil War in states that are not represented in Congress by brain dead cracker filth like Paul Broun.

Man, passing health care reform is hard. And we all know that if something is hard, it’s not worth doing, even if you’ve spent pretty much all your political capital and thrown all your credibility behind needing to get it done. Because it’s hard, and things that are hard are terrible!

You know what’s easy though? Quitting! Quitting is super fucking easy – all you have to do is forget that you ever had any reason for doing what you were doing, and then stop doing it the second it gets difficult. Which is exactly why Nancy Pelosi has essentially thrown in the towel on health care reform this morning. If the votes aren’t there this morning, they’re just not going to be there, which means reform just went from being on life support to dead as disco.

Congratulations, Democrats – the time came for a party wide gut check, and you had the chance to show us what you’re really made of. Which, I suppose, is exactly what you did.

For those who are curious, here are is a primer on the new Senate rules regarding oaths, as related by noted philanderer John Ensign.

Times to Remember A Solemn Oath You Took: While obstructing legislation for the purpose of political gain.

Times to Forget A Solemn Oath You Took: While stepping out on your wife to nail a member of your campaign staff, who is in turn married to one of your senior aides.

There will be a test on this material later.

Hey, everybody, while world leaders were busy hanging out in Cophenhagen and pretty much being the biggest non-story of the year, we got ourselves a health care bill!

Granted, we don’t have a perfect health care bill. We don’t have the health care bill that I would have asked for in a perfect world. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a strange, imperfect, and often downright unpleasant world. And we got a strange, imperfect, and occasionally downright unpleasant health care bill.

But you know what? It’s a start. And despite what some people would argue, people who I sympathize with and whose frustration I understand, it’s much, much better than nothing.

But the Senate legislation, which shouldn’t have much of a problem clearing the next few cloture votes it has ahead of it, does still have some questions to answer. For example – will insurance companies be required to provide coverage for new and terrifying genetically engineered bacteria like this one?

Is this really what we’ve come to as a planet, folks? Acknowledged world champion of Awesome Naked Partying and also iron fisted Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi had his teeth busted and lost a full pint of blood when a mentally ill man threw a statue at his head, presumably because he was jealous of how awesome Berlusconi is.

Meanwhile, here in the States, well-known CHUD Joe Lieberman took a respite from kicking puppies, poisoning old people’s medicine and tying damsels to railroad tracks for just long enough to skullfuck health care reform on national television by moving the goalposts on what is an acceptable public option compromise. Apparently the Medicare buy-in that Lieberman supported just a few months ago will now destroy America, leaving Lieberman no choice but to unexpectedly pull his support yesterday and fuck every Democrat in the Senate right to the wall, giggling malevolently as he does so.

And  no one hit him in the head with something heavy. There’s just no justice, people. None at all.

Virginia Foxx, despite spelling her name with a double x in the traditional ‘stripper or pornographic performer’ style, is actually NOT a stripper. Rather, she is a caricature of the old lady from the ‘Where’s the beef?’ commercials if she went off her meds and decided to spend the recent of her brief, mean time on Earth strangled hippies with her ancient, claw-like hands. She also has the honor of being the craziest, most offensive member of Congress to come out of the Carolinas recently, which is really and truly saying something.

After calling the Matthew Shepard murder a hoax and repeatedly using the phrase “tar baby” on the floor Congress, Foxx recently declared the prospect of health care reform to be a bigger threat to the nation than “any terrorist right now in any country.”

Now, I’m no fear-monger, but I have to take issue with the fact that Virginia Foxx (again, not a porn star, despite what her name would lead you to reasonably assume) certainly appears not to hate or fear terrorism at all. Which is just wrong headed. If there’s one thing the last eight years have taught us, it is that nothing is scarier than terrorism. Nothing, anywhere, ever. The very word “terrorism” is, grammatically speaking, literally two thirds PURE TERROR and one third suffix. Nothing is scarier than that. Not health care reform. Not swine flu. Nothing.

So why doesn’t Virginia Foxx hate terrorism? Does it have something to do with her confusing stripper name? That’s a question only she can answer.

But until she can answer it, I think she should step down and relinquish her seat in Congress to someone who we know hates terrorism. For example, this bear in India’s Kashmir, who killed a pair of militants who were holed up in his cave. That bear fucking HATES terrorism. Hates it so much he mauls terrorists, or even just militant guerilla rebels, which are a lot like terrorists, kind of, to death. So even if he is Indian, and a bear, he is a True American. Not like Virginia “Probably Never Been An Adult Film Star But Totally Spells Her Name Like One” Foxx.

Not to be confused with the Stanley Cup of Liberty or the Wrestlemania of Emancipation, the Super Bowl of Freedom is coming up. What exactly a bunch of right wing whack jobs from Virginia, their gonads bursting with the gubernatorial victory of a sociopath who views women in the workforce as iron clad proof of Satan’s work here on Earth, descending upon the nation’s capitolgnashing their teeth and shouting “SOCIALISM! SOCIALISM! THERE”S A COLORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE! SOMETHING ABOUT A HEALTH CARE PLAN I DON”T REALLY UNDERSTAND! MY TAXES! SOCIALISM!!!” at every elected official they turn their bloodshot eyes on has to do with the high holiday of professional sports in the US. Then again, if you’re practicing the politics of free association like Michelle Bachmann, you don’t really think about these comparisons before you make them – words just kind of come out of your mouth and then you punctuate them by shouting “Freedom!” Or you just howl, “Fly, my pretties!” and wingnut conservatives start shrieking and throwing feces everywhere, though that is ultimately a short ride from their natural state.

The title does tell us a couple of important things about the tenor of the event, though. It will be heavily hyped but probably not really that entertaining. It will steal the media spotlight for like a week despite actually meaning fuck all in the lives of most Americans. It will be heavily subsidized by corporate interests intent on getting their own message across. And, with perhaps the most potential for entertainment, a key player will be arrested or mysteriously disappear just before everything goes down. Anyone want to take bets on who? And speaking of bets, if it’s the Super Bowl, what’s the spread on a confused old woman striking Alan Grayson repeatedly with her purse?

‘Robots that stay in the kitchen making me a damned sandwich’ joined ‘my real hip’ and ‘the years of my life I spent raising you ungrateful kids back’ this week on the constantly expanding list of Things Old People Want.

You Think Youre Better Than Me? Youre Not Better Than Me.

You Think You're Better Than Me? You're Not Better Than Me.

A recent survey of Atlanta area residents found that all respondents, and especially older respondents, were more likely to be interested in a robot that would do housework for them rather than one that would try and interact to them. To which I respond: DUH! People want robots so it will essentially be legal to own slaves again, not so they can take shit about their exercise habits from the goddamn refrigerator. Did we really need a survey to tell us that all we want out of a robot is Rosie from the Jetsons without the attitude and abiding
sense of smug superiority.

The notion that the elderly are more inclined than the rest of us to want a robot that keeps it’s mouth shut is pretty unsurprising.  After all, despite advances in robot technology that stretch their life spans to grotesque parodies of humanity, they are still old, and they will still die before you and me. Which means they won’t be around to see the inevitable bloody robot coup that follows decades of silent, steely, relentless changing of bed pans.