In Which A Red State Contributor is Asinine, Surprise, Surprise

Mark Impomeni over at Red State doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo, re: World War II is over. Apparently laboring under the notion  that we are still at war with Japan, Impomeni will not brook the leader of our proud nation making a gesture of respect to the leader of a foreign nation with whom we were once at war, unless it is by giving them the uncomfortablest back rub ever.

Then again, Impomeni writes at Red State – if the President had visited Japan for the express purpose dropping a nuclear bomb on something, Impemoni would have still found a way to call it unpatriotic. And just wait until the Obama visits China, where people sell t-shirts of the President in hats worn by history’s most famous communist. Allow me to channel Impomeni from about one day from now:

Blarrg! Socialism, socialism, the t-shirt proves it! And also, why are we not killing more asians, which is the only right and proper thing for America to do? Blargh!

 

Fox News Anchors Worldwide Poop Themselves In Fury, Consternation

Hey, everybody, remember that day that Barack Obama won a kind of ridiculous Nobel Peace Prize mostly for being Barack Obama and then every conservative pundit everywhere forever had the biggest shit fit in the history of space-time? The day that Michelle Bachmann got so agitated that she revealed her true reptiloid self on the floor of the House of Representatives and Glenn Beck had a LITERAL FUCKING ANEURYSM on live TV and is was the funniest thing ever and we all laughed and no one was sad, not even a little bit?

Oh wait, you cannot remember that yet because it all happens later today. Trust me though, it is seriously hilarious stuff!

Michael Steele is already calling the award “unfortunate,” but really, has anyone taken the Nobel Peace Prize seriously since they handed one to Henry Kissinger, who is, if you’ll recall, history’s greatest monster?

Remember also that awarding US Presidents Nobel Peace Prizes for pretty much nothing is a time honored tradition. Hell, Woodrow Wilson got one for forming the League of Nations. The League of Nations was a fucking joke! It was like the UN, but it was less effective and they actually made everyone walk around in clown shoes and squeaky red noses.

But please, conservative pundits everywhere: go ahead and make a big thing of this even though it’s really not and commence your incoherent shouting…now.

 

In Which Being A Lardass Is Now A Basic Human Right

Oh, shit! Mad Prophet of the House of Representatves Michelle Bachmann is ontoPresident Obama’s secret EVIL socialist plot to put every American on an EVIL COMMUNIST DIET consisting only of stale bread, poisoned water and hate. 

Now America’s favorite one woman liberal blog post machine is spreading damnable lies about how the machine like bureaucratic government will control what we eat and how many calories we consume in a day, conjuring specters of bread lines and rationing that terrify her constitents in Minnesota, which during the winter already pretty well resembles the Russian tundra. It also instills completely reasonable fear in the heart of every American who understands that being able to cram deep fried tacos down your gullet at will underpins every one of our constitutional rights

Of course, Bachmann’s fears are ridiculous. While food will be rationed under the coming Socialist Dystopia of America, these rations will be plentiful, and everyone will be able to eat their fill once all of our grandparents and down syndrome babies and Kanye West have been rounded up and processed  into a thick, nutritive paste.

 

Annie, Get Your Gun

A memo to the guy who brought one handgun to a health care reform rally in Connecticut last week:

You are a fucking sissy.

Now people in Arizona? These are people who know how to brandish a weapon in public, gawd-demmit. After all, if you don’t have your shooting iron on you at all times, how the hell are you supposed to protect yourself from the rattlesnakes and cattle rustlers who plague The Copper State? With this in mind, it’s a bit more understandable that the people of Arizona would feel uncomfortable going to see the President, who we can only assume rode into town on a coal driven steam train, unarmed. They live in a state where, without a six gun, you are not even able to safely go into town to pick up rock candy for the little ones and a bolt of gingham for the wife. And now the President is trying to kill their Grandma.

I’m saying, I get it, Arizona. You live someplace where it is too hot all the goddamn time, and you have an insane person for a sheriff, and your mail still arrives by Pony Express and men in black Stetson hats menace the populace. It is completely understandable that you would become irrational and edgy and look like a bunch of gun wielding lunatics to the rest of the nation. But it’s just because you are a bunch of gun wielding lunatics – that’s not your fault.

So rather than rail against what you are doing, I will make one simple plea; holster your weapons, Arizona. You are making the rest of us exceedingly fucking nervous with those things. It is too goddamn hot for you to be thinking straight, and somebody is going to get hurt.