An earthquake struck (pretty much any place on the goddamn planet) today, killing (number) and leaving countless others without access to (basic supply or substance necessary to life) and trapped beneath tons of (synonym for rubble). Scientists attribute the quake to (fact about geology or thing God is angry with us for). Donations to victims can be sent to (url for website that is almost certainly a fraud).

Who is the planet furious at now? China, come on down!

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Will someone please ask Pat Roberston why God hates Chile so much? While new Chilean president Sebastian Pinera struggled to take his oath of office yesterday, the nation was shaken by no less than 10 aftershocks over the course of six hours, the strongest of which measured in at 6.9 on the Richter scale. Is this because Sebastian Pinera is a Secret Voodoo Communist? We presume the answer is yes, because this is the only scientific reason for earthquakes to ever happen ever, but only Pat Robertson and his invisible Super Friend, Scary Vengeful Magic Jesus, can really know the answer to that.