Last week, the right wing loons at Conservapedia were rewriting the bible on the grounds that the good book just wasn’t gay bashing and free-marketeering enough for them. But that sort of revisionist thinking doesn’t set well with The Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, North Carolina. For their annual halloween celebration, they’ll be burning… well, pretty much every thing, actually. The congregation will be torching every copy of Satan’s music they can get their God-fearing mitts on, Satan’s music in this case meaning just about any music, including but not limited to “…contempoarary Christianm, jazz, soul, oldies but goldies,etc.” And when they’re done with that, they’ll be torching the works of known Satanist and practitioner of the dark arts Mother Teresa. Did you know she was not even a mother? What other lies lived in her black, corrupted heart? And when they’re done with that, they will finish the night off like any right thinking groups of Christians – by setting fire to as many fucking bibles as they can find.
Don’t worry though – they’re only burning Satan’s Bibles, which Jesus totally approves of, and does not find at all morally reprehensible. And they don’t mean copies of the Necronomicon, though they’d probably burn those too if you gave them a chance. They’re not exactly what you would call picky about all this burning, after all. In fact, according to Pastor Marc Grizzard, Satan’s Bible is any Bible that is not the King James Version, which, as it was commissioned by an English king 15 centuries after the birth of christ for the purpose of reinforcing the existing social hierarchy, maintaining the divine right of kings and continuing the oppression of English Catholics, is obviously and indisputably the one true word of God.
Which is why the Amazing Grace Baptist Church will be burning one fuck of a lot of bibles, so that explains that. But can anyone explain why this so called man of God Marc Grizzard spells his name with a “c” at the end, which is not scripturally accurate and an abomination in the eyes of almighty God?
Also, for attendees who are feeling a bit peckish after a long day of immolating scripture (and let’s face it, heresy does work up a powerful hunger!)fear not! According to the press release there will be fried chicken with all the sides, cooked over the roaring pyroclasm of thousands of copies of Corinthians! One can safely assume that it too, will be burnt.