Saturn’s moon Mimas has long been beloved by nerds the world over for having a crater that makes it look almost unsettlingly like the Death Star. Granted, it has also been feared because of this, just because you never know, but mostly feelings on Mimas range from indifference to downright adoration.

It was only this week that we learned that Mimas is even dorkier than anyone suspected, harboring cosmic homages to not just one, but two nerd legends. While the Death Star dominates the outward terrain of Mimas, it’s real nerd cred lies just below the surface. When NASA’s Cassini spacecraft turned it’s thermal imaging capabilities on Mimas, it revealed the following photograph:

That’s right – the heat distribution on Mimas–courtesy of it’s vast underground shoggoth empire–renders thermal images of the moon the spitting image of our own hero, Pac-Man. This fact is not only awesome but scientifically relevant, explaining at long last why the peculiar, angular orbit of Mimas keeps it so far from Saturn’s other moons: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.

We’ve seen robots that can solve Rubik’s cubes before, so frankly, it’s going to take something pretty special in that realm to impress us.

Like one made of Legos that looks like a futuristic torture device of some kind and solves a random cube in under 11 seconds while also inducing seizures with it’s garish display of flashing lights.

Yeah, that would probably do it.

New startup Gamecrush is bucking the stereotype of video-gamers as reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements, wholly incapable of engaging a human female in conversation.

Instead, Gamecrush is betting that gamers are a bunch of reclusive CHUDs who dwell in the Underdark of their parents basements and will pay through the nose for the opportunity to engage a woman in conversation, as long as that conversation takes place while playing video games online and includes the word “pwned” at some point.

Members of Gamecrush fall into two categories, both of which manage to somehow make the very concept of paid sex chat even less dignified – Players, the men who pay for the privilege of engaging in private chat sessions with Playdates, women who are paid by Gamecrush to chat up legions of lonely FPS fans during rounds of play.

Meant only for totally mature individuals over the age of 18, chat sessions can be set to Flirty or Dirty, though exactly how one would get dirtier in these sessions than during an average round of Modern Warfare 2 stretches the imagination to a point where the senses reel and the mind begs for mercy.

Update: The link is not broken, the site is just down due to massive public response to the first Beta offering. In related news, we are all fucking doomed.

It’s a commonly accepted tenet of both warfare and gamesmanship that the best defense is a good offense.

This is wrong.

As anyone with any basis in the underlying concepts of space-age warfare can tell you, the best defense is a force field.

But combining defense, like a force field, with offense, like a tank, as the British military is doing right now? Well, that’s just some diabolically clever shit right there.

But will it be a match for the battleship mounted, weapons-grade laser being developed by Boeing right now? Only time will tell.

Well, time and the inevitable Mech War of 2019.

Ah, all the ludicrous shouting, the relentless, ugly hue and cry over health care is behind us. Now, all that’s left is a sober, dignified signing ceremony making a momentous, if imperfect, health care reform bill law. Wait a minute, is that an open mic? NO! Get Biden away… NO GET JOE BIDEN AWAY FROM THAT OPEN MIC RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW!

Ahhh, hell. Too late. Well, it beats the hell out of shouting “Baby Killer!” on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and then making a fundraising video because you’re kind of famous for being a dick now.

What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?

Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*

This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!

*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.

Are you sick of being dumber as an adult than you were as a child? Have faith in science! Researchers at SUNY are hard at work developing a medication that will make your brain work like it did before you hit puberty and and every significant thought you had got drowned out in a sea of worrying about paying the bills and thinking about sex pretty much constantly.

The potential is there to develop a pill that could ease the effect of stress on certain receptors in the brain, increase the ease with which adults and adolescents alike can learn languages and retain information. More importantly, it could improve spatial cognition skills and, thus, video game playing abilities. There is no way that you will be as impressive as the dude playing Contra in this video, though. That’s some straight up Wizard shit.