What is to be done for the angry American who, by and large does not particularly understand what is actually in health care reform legislation but knows that socialist muslims are a bad thing?
Well, when the law of the land, as enacted by a political group elected by a large margin, doesn’t jibe with your personal beliefs, there’s only really one option – demand that any law you don’t like be overturned by the Facebook! As any legal scholar will tell you, social media is pretty much the new Constitution, and if you can get a million people to agree on something on Facebook, it must be both accurate and righteous, because a million is, like, a whole lot of people and stuff!*
This is because what the framers of the constitution wanted was for every single citizen to weigh in on every single legislative issue that ever arose for debate. It is called representative democracy, so far as anyone who has never read the Constitution knows!
*unless you are talking about the whole United States, in which case it represents a fraction of a percent of our population.
Are you sick of being dumber as an adult than you were as a child? Have faith in science! Researchers at SUNY are hard at work developing a medication that will make your brain work like it did before you hit puberty and and every significant thought you had got drowned out in a sea of worrying about paying the bills and thinking about sex pretty much constantly.
The potential is there to develop a pill that could ease the effect of stress on certain receptors in the brain, increase the ease with which adults and adolescents alike can learn languages and retain information. More importantly, it could improve spatial cognition skills and, thus, video game playing abilities. There is no way that you will be as impressive as the dude playing Contra in this video, though. That’s some straight up Wizard shit.
In all fairness, it does not appear that the Internet has actually developed sentience and reached out from cyberspace, intent on murdering both our cutest and most threatened species. All it has done is what it does – make people more connected. And as is so often the case, the people connected in this way are truly awful excuses for human beings – namely wealthy people who like to eat, snort, or sleep on the pelts of rare animals and other people who have no qualms about hunting down and killing the aforementioned rare animals. The impact of this is clear – we can either keep endangered species like polar bears and rhinos OR we can have the Internet. And since endangered animals, of all but the best trained variety, do not bring us porn, it is an easy bet which one we will be keeping around.
This news does deal a blow to the Internet’s chances at the Nobel peace prize, though. Try and name another Nobel Peace Prize-winner who was responsible for the annihilation of a species. If you’re thinking of Martin Luther King, Jr., think again! Despite the reverend’s best efforts, small groups of pandas remain extant in the wild, dealing a crushing blow to the American civil rights movement.
Guys, check it out – after the week or so of inevitable ‘what does it mean, where do we go from here’ analysis pieces that are due to start inundating every media outlet in America… about ten minutes ago, then we officially won’t have to hear a fucking thing about health care for a little while. So hoo-fucking-ray for that, right? But wait, without health care to rally around, what excuse will protestors have now for yelling the nastiest slurs their pre-cro-mag speech centers can muster at members of Congress? Will we have to return to civil discourse about the important matters of our time? I sure fucking hope not!
Maybe the excuse will be that they are just mean-spirited, bigoted, knuckle draggers conceived of damaged sperm and hate thoughts? This is almost certainly true of the rank and file tea party protestors/haters of socialism/people who don’t quite understand what is going on but are elated that it is finally socially acceptable to shout ‘nigger’ in public. But think of the damage that could be done to American comedy if GOP politicians, chastened and accepting a defeat on this front that relates directly to their refusal to negotiate in good faith at any point in the last year-plus of debates over health care reform, nutted up and started acting like grown ups. Might it be the end of everything funny, ever?
Luckily, it appears that we will never have to worry about finding out, as “Member of the U.S. Congress is apparently one of the last jobs where you can shout “Baby killer” at one of your colleagues and have it be considered acceptable behavior in the office.
And if people shouting ‘Baby Killer’ still runs too mature for your tastes, watch below for the absolutely priceless video of House Minority Leader and King of the Losers John Boehner runs out of ideas completely, and, graciously accepting defeat, shouts until he is red in the face, pooping himself a little bit and nearly crying like a little girl on the floor of the House of Representatives.
HAHAHAHAHA!!! There was a time when these guys beat the hell out of each other with metal canes for less than this, and cheered one another on for it, and now this is the best they can do, because they are a bunch of petulant, bitchy, useless fucking children .The takeaway here is that health care reform, even imperfect health care reform, is good, and Republicans these days are shit-talking little sissy bitches. Especially John Boehner.
I know everybody is concerned today with whether or not health care will make it through Congress,but since it looks like that is pretty much a wrap, we should turn our thoughts to something that’s truly important. Namely, that the Nobel Committee doesn’t award a prize for General Awesomeness. If they did, the guy who lovingly crafted this one-of-a-kind pinball machine dedicated to the work of Bill Paxton would have won that prize. Hands down. And for about the next thousand years. Video after the break.
How bad will all of our lives get if the current health care reform bill passes? According to Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA), they will be really, really bad! The country will be torn apart, brother will turn against brother, and the streets will run red with blood. It will be pretty much the worst thing to happen since the Greta War of Yankee Aggression.
For those of you who are curious, The Great War of Yankee Aggression is generally referred to as The Civil War in states that are not represented in Congress by brain dead cracker filth like Paul Broun.
As was the case last last week, when a guy in a giant chicken costume got shot with a pellet gun, today we come once more to a conflict in the world of comedy. People getting shot is never funny, especially when they get killed. But people in leprechaun costumes are always funny, especially when they are robbing banks. So when hear about a Tennessee bank robber dressed as a leprechaun being killed in a shoot-out with police, you probably shouldn’t start giggling. Then again, if you do, that’s pretty understandable. It is hard, after all, not to laugh at any sentence that includes the phrase “leprechaun costume,” particularly when it is referring to an actual costume, rather than the deviant sex act of the same name, about which there is absolutely NOTHING amusing.
It happens to all guys, sure, but not being able to perform in bed has left many men feeling like they could die of shame. But it turns out, that sensation is not actually shame – it is probably just a heart attack! Okay, it’s a heart attack with a side of shame.
In a totally uncalled for addition of grave injury to demeaning insult, a recent study by German researchers indicates that erectile dysfunction may be more than just an embarrassing problem in the bedroom. Men who suffer from ED are twice as likely as their more virile counterparts to die of heart attacks or cardiovascular disease. They also have a slightly increased risk of stroke, just for good measure. All of which just seems kind of shitty and unfair to dudes who have enough problems already, but there you have it.
Attorney General Eric Holder got a little testy with a House panel yesterday when it was suggested that his Justice Department, which is devoted to the crippling of America and freedom in general would mirandize Osama bin Laden upon capturing him. Holder pointed out that this is a silly notion, as we are going to straight cap that motherfucker if we ever find him. But after we gun him down, blow him up or shoot him into the sun, we will mirandize his corpse, apparently.
Now, I’m not Attorney General or anything, so far be it for me to lecture anyone on the finer points of that august position, but I’m pretty sure if a dude is already a corpse, then you don’t actually have to mirandize him. This just goes to show how much Eric Holder wants to gay marry terrorism – he thinks all terrorists should have legal rights and due process, even the dead ones. Pretty soon he will go back in time to make sure Benedict Arnold knows he is entitled to the services of some wishy washy ACLU lawyer, thus retroactively losing us every war EVER including the one on terror, which isn’t really so much a war as a complicated series of security measures and countermeasures involving but not limited to diplomatic action, retooling foreign policy and distribution of economic aid worldwide, strategic application of military force… Ah, you know what, fuck it. USA USA USA ! We’re Number One!
Following America’s failed attempt to murder the Moon last year, scientists have decided that more reconnaissance will be needed if we are ever going to be able to conquer our ancient lunar nemesis. We must know our enemy as we know ourselves if we are to be victorious
That’s where you come in!
As a loyal and decent Earthling, you can now gather valuable information about the moon by observing it in great detail and recording your notes at Moon Zoo. Only by searching every crater and noting every boulder can we find the moon’s secret weak point. And only by striking at this Achilles Heel can we finally end the threat that the moon poses to the health and prosperity of all life on Earth. And now, you can work alongside Earth’s greatest scientists to finally make this noble dream a beautiful reality.
The latest dispatch from the storied annal of American bad taste, The New York Post, is a feature on Donna Simpson, a 600-pound New Jesresy woman whose goal in life is to double her weight to 1,200-pounds and take her place in The Guiness Book of World Records as the world’s fattest woman. She is opposed in this pursuit by common decency and her own heart, which has so far avoided taking the only reasonable and dignified course of action and collapsing upon itself like a dying star.
Simpson, who gets around on a motorized scooter and already holds the record for world’s fattest mother after giving birth to her daughter in 2007 while weighing 532 pounds, is being encouraged to eat more by her boyfriend and a cadre of online fans who pay a monthly fee to watch streaming video of Simpson eating. That means that while it’s hard to decide exactly where to affix blame for this unhealthy and pitiable display that will doubtless rob Simpson’s daughter of a mother at too young an age, there is certainly plenty of blame to go around. Needless to say, this profoundly sad display of eating disorders writ large is the grossest thing to come out of New Jersey in quite some time, which is really saying something, considering it is fucking New Jersey.
Thanks, Gawker, for finally releasing the gory, and by gory we of course mean TOTALLY HOT!!! details of the John Edwards sex tape. And thanks also to John Edwards, for making the sex tape in the first place, which is the most totally brilliant way to completely skullfuck your political future we have heard in some time.
I mean, really, why even bother hiring an official videographer for your presidential campaign if you’re not going to have him film you going down on some blonde that’s not your wife? What else is worth photographing during a campaign of this sort? Your fucking speeches? No one gives a shit about your speeches. You are running for President of the United States of America, sir! All we care about is how you get down!
Glaring Health Code Violations 